Snipe
by Lazy Gaga
Summary: The mission was simple. Kill the little child and collect the money. It's really not that hard. Or, it wasn't supposed to be that hard. But when this particular child is involved, Gakupo finds that almost nothing is simple! GakuxLuka, some cursing, etc.
1. Is it 'Rhinoceroses', or 'Rhinoceri?

**There seriously aren't enough really well written, interesting Piko fics around, y'know. At least, in my opinion. So, I decided to do something about it! Hence, this story! It's semi-serious and somewhat weird! Yet, I do enjoy writing it! Plus, this is my first attempt to write in the Vocaloid category, so here goes!  
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**Before you read:**

** I must tell you, there will be eventual GakuLuka. There won't be any GakuPiko that isn't brotherly, because Piko is around 5 or 6 in this fic, and Gakupo is in his 20's. That would make GakuPiko pedophilic. And we all know that pedos are sorta creepy... and have mustaches...  
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**There is some language there that isn't so clean and pretty, so be prepared for that! There may be some sexual innuendos and actions later on, so be prepared for that too!  
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**Disclaimer: It's _fan_fic, so obviously I don't own it, nor does almost anyone else that uses this site.  
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><p><em>The silver haired, young woman looked down worriedly at the little boy curled in the hospital bed. His tiny body looked unimaginably frail, being tangled in a nest of plain white sheets, and a mass of cords and wires attached to different parts of his body.<em>

_She knelt down, cradling the small head in her arms. She lovingly ruffled his hair, silently marveling the fact that it was a shade lighter than her own. A single tuft of near-white hair sprouted from the top of his head, while the rest framed his round face like a silvery curtain. _

_He was comparable to a porcelain doll. His skin was soft and pale, and his cheeks were rosy. One would have thought that the boy was simply sleeping, despite the fact that he was, and still is, practically comatose for almost two weeks. He had remained almost motionless for those few days, and had only awoken once._

_The young woman felt tears beginning to brim, as she looked down at the still form of her only remaining family member. His breaths were slow and shallow, and the heart monitor beside him gave a slow, occasional beep, signaling that there was at least some sign of life in the tiny body._

_She brushed back a loose strand of silver hair from his face. A light grimace crawled across her face upon seeing the transparent oxygen mask resting over his little nose and mouth. She jumped slightly, hearing the sound of footsteps entering through the open door behind her. She looked up to see one of the nurses standing adjacent from her._

"_I-Is he going to be okay?" she asked the nurse, her soft voice stuttering slightly. _

_The nurse gave a kind, sympathetic smile at the other woman, before answering her question. "He seems to be doing a bit better than the day before! He's still coming out of a severe relapse, so we can't expect him to be back to normal overnight."_

_The young woman simply turned her attention to the window, not bothering to respond. She cringed when she heard the nurse's footsteps coming closer to her._

"_Poor girl," the nurse crooned, "Having to watch over the poor baby, when you're nothing but a baby yourself…" _

_She whirled around, giving the nurse an adamant look. "I am no baby! I am twenty two years old, and well capable of taking care of another life!" _

_The nurse seemed taken aback, but had done a good job of hiding it. "You may be old enough to be on your own, and you may well be old enough to care for a child. But, the question is, are you able to take care of __**this **__child?" She pointed to the motionless two-year-old in the bed._

_The young woman stayed silent for a moment. She mentally berated herself for allowing tears to fall down her face, and for showing her weakness. "I really don't know…But I'm the only one he has now."_

_The nurse gave a sad smile. She admired the strength that shone in the young woman. She had her doubts on whether the woman had made the right choice or not, but somehow, she knew that the same girl would try her hardest to make it right. _

_She gave a good hard look at the teary eyed woman in front of her, seeing the resemblance between her and the boy. _

"_You do know that he is only going to get worse from here on?"_

_She received no answer._

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"To put this plainly, your objective is to kill this boy."

All eyes shifted to the figure at the end of the table. Gakupo stared back at them, a vindictively devious smile painted across his face.

"That's it? Really?" he purred, deftly sweeping a loose lock of hair back into place. "I thought I'd be getting something more interesting than this. Is this brat even really worth my time?"

Meiko Shion returned his frigid smile with one of her own, from the other end of the table. "Of course it is! Do you know who this kid is? Or should I say, will be?"

A look of subtle interest shot across Gakupo's face. "Nope!" He leaned forward with a toothy grin. "Go on, surprise me. I'm curious."

"As you should be." She replied matter-of-factly. "This 'brat', as you so eloquently put it, is the sole heir to a massive fortune. The death of this one child could mean enormous luck for us." she said, gesturing to every person sitting at the large table. She tossed him a small piece of paper. Upon further inspection, he discovered it to be a photograph.

"And this is…?"

"The kid."

The small photo showed the cheerful face of a young child with a snow-white head of hair, in the center of a playground while being surrounded by other children. He had a large, triumphant grin on his face, and was positioned on a pair of stairs leading to a tacky blue coloured slide.

"This is who I have to take out?" he asked, eyeing the photo critically. "Geez, I feel like a murderous pedophile or something." He leaned back lazily in his seat, grumbling mainly to himself. "It just _had _to be a kid, didn't it?"

"You say that as if you've never done anything like this before." Meiko replied levelly.

"I know, I know." Gakupo said, giving a sly grin. "So what's the deal with this little monkey?"

"I'm glad you asked." Meiko said, a chilling smile slipping across her face. "The boy's name is Piko Utatane. He's five years old, and 3 feet, 4 inches, and is enrolled in kindergarten."

"This kid's a midget." Gakupo interrupted.

"He is a member of the Utatane/Yowane clan-"

"-That sounds familiar…"

"-and currently under the care of his remaining family member, Haku Yowane, age twenty five. Their relationship is that of two cousins, the latter of them being the oldest, obviously."

"Well, it looks like someone did their homework before class!" Gakupo remarked cynically.

"I simply keep myself focused on my work." She countered steadily. "Unlike you, I choose not to be ignorant and reckless."

Gakupo glared irritably. "Says you, ya' booze-monkey. If I'm not mistaken, aren't _you _the party girl here?"

"I may be, but I'm certainly not a lazy idiot with nothing better to do, than make up a bunch of snarky comments!" she retorted snappily.

"Thanks for all the compliments, but I really must be on my way." He said dryly. "Can we kindly wrap this up?"

With a sigh, Meiko continued. "There are two main objectives. One, you _must _keep the boy alive, until you get the order to kill him. Two, you _must _kill him when we tell you to. Delays and disturbances aren't to be tolerated."

"A little harsh, aren't we?" he mused. "Why so serious?"

"Our rivals also have their eyes on the little twerp." She said, propping her chin on the back of her hand.

"Heh, you mean the UTAU's?"

"No others besides them. They're out for the money, and their target is the kid."

Gakupo sat up in his chair by this time. Curiosity was written all over his face. "Well, well. This just got a lot more interesting!"

"Well, you better be on guard. There are more of the UTAU's than there are of us." She stated. "Anyways, to sum this all up, you will be going undercover as a babysitter, in order to get closer to the target easily. Thi-"

"-Whoa, I'm gonna have to stop you there. What about babysitting?" Gakupo asked indignantly.

"I wasn't aware of the fact that your ears are broken." Meiko said smartly.

"There is no way in hell that I'll play a nanny to a snot-covered brat! Either pick someone else, or another profession." He snarled.

"It's what you were assigned, and it's what you will do. I can change the title name to 'bodyguard', but it will basically be the exact same job."

There was an awkward silence as the two silently argued with their matching glares. Gakupo's violet-grey eyes radiated with rebellious defiance, while Meiko's chocolate brown ones left no room for argument. The others sat on the sidelines, making no noises except for the occasional muffled cough or shuffle of feet.

As hard as Gakupo struggled, his hard glare wilted under her steady gaze. He ground his teeth together as he felt his will begin to crumble.

"Fine then." He huffed, crossing his arms in a quick defeat. " I prefer the title 'bodyguard', thank you very much." His grimace deepened, hearing the soft, subtle snickers of the other occupants of the room.

Meiko slid a piece of paper towards him, an address written on the back.

"Glad you feel that way. So why don't you get started, _'bodyguard'_?"

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"Ah! You must be the babysitter I was told about!"

Gakupo smiled as politely as he could manage, at the young silver-haired woman standing in the doorway. "Yes ma'am, I am." He said flatly. "Although I prefer the use of the word 'bodyguard' instead."

The woman let a kind, yet tired smile shine on her soft, girlish features. Her hair was a silvery gray color, bordering on white, and pulled into a ponytail, by a black and purple bow. Her eyes seemed to be just as tired as her smile, seeing as the vivid scarlet irises were lined with light purple bags around her eyelids.

"Hmm, isn't that cute?" She put a delicate finger to her chin. "Maybe 'bodyguard' is acceptable, because you really would have to protect my Piko from doing something crazy now, wouldn't you? After all, it is a bit more masculine than 'nanny', or 'babysitter'."

Gakupo instantly decided that he didn't hate her. Don't be mistaken, he hated practically everyone, but he simply hated this woman a bit less than the others. At least she could think exactly the same way as he did! Not to mention, she hadn't verbally assaulted his ears with a deafeningly shrill voice, or annoy the hell out of him by bitching about minor details, like most of the girls he knew. Or all of them…

"Ah! Why am I making you wait out here for so long? Come in, come in!" She retreated into the quaint little house, and motioned for him to follow. The woman led him into the living room, and indicated for him to sit on the couch.

"You can have a seat here if you want! I'm Haku Yowane, but Haku is just fine! Now, I'll get you some tea or something!" and with that, she rushed out of the room. Gakupo took the chance to let his eyes wander around the house. As he looked around, he found that the house was slightly smaller than expected, yet amazingly clean and somewhat bright. Along one side of the room, he was surprised to see a whole rack of sake bottles shelved high up on a shelf.

'_Well, it looks like someone enjoys having a drink…or twenty…' _he thought snidely to himself.

Along the other wall, there were bookshelves filled with books and decorative ornaments, and photos in picture frames. A small, white, stuffed-toy cat was slung across one of the book stacks, showing evidence of a child living in the house. There were small Lego bits scattered on the floor, along with something that seemed like a partially dismantled …keyboard? Why?

Soon enough, the young woman came back, balancing a teapot precariously on a tray, along with two teacups. "I'm so sorry for taking so long! It took a while!"

'_A while? That was only a minute or two!' _

"Don't worry about it." He said kindly, not voicing the words in his head. She quickly poured the hot liquid into the two cups, handing one to him and taking the other for herself. She took a seat on the opposite couch.

"Let's get to business, shall we?" she remarked, smiling into her cup of tea. "I don't really want to, but I have to get to work in about 20 minutes or so!"

"Just tell me what to do, ma'am! Anything interesting about the little bra-…kid?" he grinned, in what he prayed wasn't his menacing smile. He figured that he had gotten it right, because she grinned back and continued to talk.

"Well, his whole name is Piko Utatane –he's taking a nap upstairs right now– and he's five right now. His birthday will be coming up in a month! He's a December baby, so he'll be six soon!"

"I'd say, that's very nice." He complimented dryly. To be honest, he didn't give a crap about this kid, or his birthday. What was the point anyways? He'll probably be dead before he reached ten anyways.

"He goes to the school down the road, and classes started in September. His favorite toy is this-" She reached over and grabbed the stuffed cat plushie. "-thing, and he rarely leaves it behind. I think one of his little friends gave it to him at some birthday party or other…"

"He seems to be active, doesn't he? Can't wait to meet him…right about now…" Gakupo remarked tightly. Sadly enough, she didn't get the message to begin wrapping the conversation up. Instead, she nodded her head in agreement and continued even more.

"He really is! He's a really smart kid, and I'm so glad to have him around, even if I don't get to see him often! He really is a happy boy, even if he's been through such awful things…"

A neat eyebrow arched in curiosity. "Awful things? Is it too much of a bother to ask for elaboration?"

Haku's scarlet-colored irises were downcast. Her pale hands began to fiddle with the hem of her dark, yet airy dress. "Um…well…do you wonder why he lives with me, his cousin, instead of his parents? Well, they…passed away a few years ago."

"Really?"

"Yes… I guess Piko doesn't remember it much, because he was barely two at the time." Haku's voice grew steadily shakier as she began reliving the untold memories. She walked towards one of the bookshelves, and pulled down one of the picture frames. Giving a watery smile, she pointed to the small child in the photo. "This was around the time he started his first week at school!"

Gakupo leaned back, taking a sip of his tea. He was mildly surprised to see that it was the exact same photo that he had been shown by Meiko earlier. "Hmnn…cute kid…pretty short though…"

Haku gave a light giggle. "That's because he's a premie!"

"Excuse me?"

"A premie! He was a premature baby!"

"Ah…that explains a lot…"

Haku giggled again. "I know. When he was first born, I swear, he was no bigger than a stick of butter, or one of those medium sized bag of chips!" She cradled the little photo to her chest, swept away in the nostalgia. "But of course, being that small isn't healthy. He wasn't expected to even last a week on this earth."

"Guess he was lucky then." Gakupo commented, looking into the dark brown liquid. Haku agreed wholeheartedly.

"Of course he was! Now he's growing up to be a big boy fast! The only problem is that he gets sick a bit more often than normal." She said with a sigh.

"Ah. That's understandable…" Gakupo trailed off, at loss of whatever else to say. They both sank into uncomfortable silence.

Haku seemed to be struggling with her words. "Ah…y-you see, he really isn't as healthy as he should be. Almost as soon as he was born, he had to go into extensive surgery. They found that his organs were too small for his body, and that he wasn't expected to survive the night. What's worse is that the doctors found a hole in his heart!" She wailed, trying to keep back the tears.

Gakupo could see that this was a sobby, crying-type of person. Leaning back a bit in the seat, he gave a sympathetic "Ah no…that sounds terrible…" in order to seem still interested in whatever she had to say.

"Oh, it was _awful_! His parents were heartbroken! The entire _family _was worried! Their little boy wasn't going to last the night!" Haku was borderline hysteric by now. "Everyone was crying that night, and nobody got any sleep!"

"It's getting kinda late…" Gakupo muttered, hoping she's stop talking.

She didn't.

"But we were so lucky that night, because he really did survive! It really was a miracle! The next day, he was kicking and screaming, just like any other little baby would! Well, at least, like any other little baby on a ventilator…"

Gakupo's eyes started to wander out towards the window.

"The doctors said that he'd never be fully healthy, and that his breathing won't be as normal as it should. But, he's really lucky to be alive!"

After what seemed like an eternity of babbling, Haku stole a glance at the clock hanging on the opposite wall. She jumped in shock at seeing how late it was. "Ah! I'm going to be late! I'm so sorry, but I have to go now!"

Gakupo smiled politely. "That's no problem. I'll be just fine watching over the little guy."

She sighed in relief. "I'm so glad to hear you say that!" She clapped her hands together to show her gratitude. She began to give him the instructions as she prepared to leave. "Remember, he isn't supposed to run around too much, because he gets tired easily. His inhaler and all of his medications are on the kitchen counter. Make sure that he takes them all when he's supposed to. There's a list of instructions on that also on the counter. I left my cell number on the fridge, if you have to call me for anything at all."

At that moment, they were interrupted by a small whimper coming from the other room. Soon after, a small tuft of silvery white hair peeked out past the door frame.

"Haku-nii…?" a soft, juvenile voice called out. Haku's head turned swiftly, and a bright smile spread across her face. An amazingly small boy shuffled into the room, rubbing his eyes sleepily with his sleeve. "Haku-nii, I'm hungry…"

Haku leaned forward, pulling the boy into her embrace while ruffling his snow white hair affectionately. With a kind smile in place, she turned towards Gakupo, who was still perched upon the couch with his tea.

"Hey Piko, I have a guest for you!" She unlatched the boy's tiny fingers from her dress, and nudged him forwards.

Gakupo eyed the newcomer with cold interest. The boy fidgeted under his harsh glare, a tiny frown adorning his chubby little face. Haku shuffled about blissfully, unaware of the tension.

The boy really was a small thing. Gakupo could vaguely remember his childhood pet, (a dog he had foolishly named 'Eggplant'), being bigger than that child. But then again, Eggplant was a labradoodle mix, so he was bigger than most human babies below the age of seven. The boy's eyes were wide and bright, and had a complexion comparable to a porcelain doll. His head was adorned with a sleep-mussed mop of hair, almost identical to Haku's in color, if not a few shades lighter.

Gakupo was shocked to see that his left eye was a vivid, spring green, while the right was a cerulean blue color. _'Huh, heterochromia. That's not something you see every day…'_

A little whimper of fear squeaked out from the boy, when Gakupo tried his best to give a happy, non-assuming smile. It came out as more of a predatory grin. He wasn't surprised to see the kid shy away from him, when he raised his hand for a wave. A friendly wave, mind you.

But still, it sucked.

'_Damn kid. I ain't that scary.'_

"Come on now!" Haku said, shoving him forward once more. "This is Gakupo! He's going to be your new babysitter-"

"-Bodyguard."

"-bodyguard, until I can find a more permanent one! He's really nice!"

Piko looked up at his older cousin dubiously, as if to say, _'You for real?_'. She smiled back, and absentmindedly readjusted her long silver ponytail. He scooted even farther behind Haku for protection, burying his face in her skirt.

"C'mon Piko! We can be friends, if you want! How about playing a game or something?" Gakupo said, trying his best to sound inconspicuous and friendly.

Piko shook his head vigorously.

Haku pulled out of his grip once more with an exasperated sigh, and pushed him forwards. "You'll have lots of fun, if you just play with Mister Gakupo for a bit!"

Stubbornly, the little boy refused to make a sound. He stayed behind the protection of his older cousin, making it clear that he wasn't prepared to move an inch.

"C'mon!" Gakupo assured the little boy, his smile being visibly strained. "We can play all types of games together! We can get ice cream, go skating, and all the other cra-…stuff that kids do nowadays!"

Wide eyes looked at the strange man indecisively. Unsure of whether to trust the older male, Piko turned back to Haku for confirmation. Taking the chance, Haku nodded her head encouragingly while ruffling his more-than-fair hair.

"You promise we can do that?" the airy, childish voice asked uncertainly.

"Yep! Every day, if you want!" Gakupo declared. Mentally, the 'bullshit!' alarm was going off at the boldfaced lie."Well, at least…some of the days…"

He grimaced as the doe-like eyes grew wider and wider with a glint of excitement.

"See? He's nice! C'mon Piko!" Haku added, before bringing out the trump card that worked on almost every small child to date. "Aren't you supposed to be a _big boy_?"

She knew that she had won, when she saw the adamant look on her little cousin's face.

"I am too! I AM a big boy!" Piko protested, puffing out his rosy little cheeks.

"Really? Because all the big boys I know, looove to play with other big boys!" Haku snorted, feigning intelligence on all things grown-up.

Piko's round face clearly showed his inner conflict. It was obvious that he wanted to be a 'big boy' like Haku stated, but he was also still apprehensive towards the man with the monster smile.

"Hnm…I guess I can play…" the little boy mumbled, pulling at the hem of his oversized sleeve. It was still clear that he still seemed a little frightened.

"That's great then," Gakupo chirped. For extra measure, he added "…buddy!"

'_Buddy? You're talking out of your ass again!'_

He knew that he was laying it on a little too thick, when he saw the obstinate expression on the five-year-old's face. Haku didn't seem to notice one bit. After hearing the admittance from her little cousin, she ruffled his hair, planted a kiss on his chubby cheek, mumbled something about 'being late for work', and was out the door in a matter of minutes.

The door shut with a soft 'click', leaving the two males alone in silence.

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"Sooo…" Gakupo stalled, trying to break the awkwardness. "What do you like to do?"

Multicolored eyes just blinked nervously in response.

"Okay then…" he grumbled, pissed by the fact that he was rejected by a mere _child_. It was obvious that this was going to be an ordeal.

He raised a hand to scratch the back of his head, but stopped when he saw the little boy flinch at the movement, eyes still locked on him.

"Whoa, you think I'm gonna do something to you?" Gakupo asked skeptically. He stepped closer towards the smaller person. "Hey kid, don-"

"-STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER! NO MEANS NO!"

And with that, a small fist lashed out, making contact with his crotch. Gakupo saw glaring stars dance across his vision as he hit the floor, cradling his junk in agony. He vaguely heard little feet run at full speed up the stairs, followed by the distinct sound of a door slamming shut and the 'click' of a lock.

Gakupo groaned inwardly. These six months were going to be hell.

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><p><strong>And thus ends the first chapter! YAY~! Although, it did look longer on Word...<br>**

**Anyways, would you believe that I started this chapter in August? Yeah, it took a while to finally complete it! And when I finished, I had to go back and adjust it. And then adjust it again. Then I started the other 2 chapters, and didn't finish the 3rd one until now. I take a while to finish my chapters, because I want them to be extra perfect! So that's why I have three up right now, so you don't have to wait forever for the next one.  
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**Anyhoo, how'd you like it? Tell me!**

**Remember, equivalent exchange. I write, you review. It's the least you can do. (that rhymes!)  
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	2. The word 'Paradigm' is hard to spell

**BAM! Second chapter, baby~! Read it 'n weep! :D**

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><p>"You know that you're gonna have to leave the room sometime?"<p>

Gakupo stood at the top of the staircase with his cup of unfinished tea, yelling at the locked wooden door like a fool. Luckily enough, toddler fists weren't strong enough to leave a long-lasting impression on crotches, so it seemed like 'Gakupo Jr.' would live to reproduce another day. Not like he'd ever bother on kids now, after dealing with this one…

A muffled thud was heard behind the door, before a response came. "NO! I'm gonna stay here forever! Soon, Haku-nii is gonna come home again, an' you're gonna leave!"

"Your cousin isn't gonna come back until one in the morning! You won't even be awake that time!" Gakupo growled into his cup, becoming progressively angrier and more frustrated with the child. "I'm supposed to be here to WATCH you! I can't watch you with the door closed! Do I look like Superman to you?"

"NO! You're a bad man! Bad man do bad things!"

"I can assure you, I won't do anything you wouldn't do." He retorted dryly.

"Nu-UH! You gonna do somethin' bad, like…like stealin', or… rape!"

Gakupo gagged in surprise at the feeling of the lukewarm tea working its way back up his throat and out his nose. He hacked and gasped, spewing out even more tea in shock. _'The hell?'_

"What? Where did you even hear that word?"

"On the news! Haku-nii sometimes makes me go away when it comes on TV, but one time I sneaked in and watched it!"

"Well, do you know what that even means?"

"Umm…it's when…when a bad guy wants to give you a special hug, but you don't want the special hug, so you say 'I don't want a special hug', but they give it to you anyways, and it makes you really sad afterwards."

The older man didn't know whether to laugh at the description, or to scream and curse to the heavens on his misfortune of having to watch over such a pain-in-the-ass toddler.

"Trust me, giving you a 'special hug' is the farthest thing from my mind, at _any given time_. Frankly, that's a pretty sick mind you got there, kid."

"My brain isn't sick! It isn't sneezin' or nothin'!" he heard the muffled shout come from the other side of the door.

Stifling a long suffering sigh, Gakupo resorted to banging on the door. "That's not what I mean! It's just a figure of spe- AH! NEVERMIND! JUST OPEN THE DOOR!"

There was a moment of silence on the other side. Gakupo swore he heard a faint, watery clatter, and the sound of a toilet being flushed, before Piko's muted response floated through the door. "You're scary…"

"I beg to differ."

"…I don't know what that means."

He couldn't help but to let another frustrated escape his mouth. "How about this? If you come out of that room, I'll give you…cookies [or whatever kids like], and I won't eat you or anything."

"…y' promise?"

"Yes."

"…Pinky promise?"

"_Yes._"

"…With sprinkles on top?"

"_**Yes!**_"

There were some more faint sounds coming from the other side of the door. Feeling something wet on the bottom of his pants, Gakupo looked down to see a puddle of water seeping underneath the door.

"What are you doing in there?" he asked suspiciously.

"Nothin'!"

After what seemed like ages, the little latch on the door gave way with a small 'click', and the door swung open, revealing the single occupant of the room. Gakupo surveyed the room with his eyes, before his gaze settled back on the child, who he now noticed was soaking wet. Along with the floor.

"What in the world made you want to lock yourself in the bathroom?" he asked calmly. He felt his blood boil when he received the indifferent, clueless expression that was common on every child's face, whenever they failed to grasp the importance of certain events.

"Nevermind. I'd rather know why you're dripping water all over the floor. Is that toilet water?"

The owlishly bright eyes just stared back uncaringly. "You were talkin' a lot, an' I started to get bored when you talked." He replied simply, as if it explained everything.

"So you decided to take swimming lessons with the toilet?"

"That's yucky! I can't swim in there! People have to poo-poo there, silly!" Piko replied childishly, wrinkling his little button nose in disgust.

"Well that doesn't really expla-"

"-Instead, I fell inside it, 'cause I wanted to get one of those little soft, stick thingies that were on the shelf!"

"…what?"

"There were these really soft thingies on top of the shelf! They were in a box, and they were high up, so I got on top of the toilet to get them!"

"…And it didn't even occur to you that you could have at least closed the toilet seat before climbing?"

"…I felled in the potty, 'cause I slipped on the seat…but I did get the stick thingy box!" Piko declared happily. He proudly held up a little, half opened, pink and blue box, with '**Tampax Pearl**' boldly written across the top, and '_Heavy Absorbency; 20 Tampons_' in cursive at the bottom.

"Haku-nii always hides them somewhere, and she always says that 'It's not for little boys', but I found them anyways!" Piko declared, with a pleased look plastered onto his face.

For the second time within the last five minutes, Gakupo was rendered speechless and dumbstruck.

Taking the silence as allowance to continue, Piko resumed his summary of the last few minutes.

"When I felled into the potty, some of the stick thingies felled in the water too! So they started getting bigger an' bigger in the water! They were all soggy 'n stuff, so I flushed it! But they didn't all go down right, so the potty started to throw up water, an' it wouldn't stop!"

Grey blue eyes floated back to the bathroom behind the small figure, then back again.

"So you're telling me, that the toilet…is clogged…with tampons…?"

The pale face lit up in pleasure, not seeing a thing wrong with the current scenario. The toilet gurgled pitifully, spitting up more water and loose tampons behind him.

"Ahaha! The potty burped!"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"So…" Gakupo said, trying to break the awkward atmosphere. He sat on one side of the living room, fidgeting uncomfortably in his disgustingly wet clothing. Piko sat on the opposite side, still wet and clutching his little stuffed cat.

"…Tell me about…stuff…"

The little boy simply cocked his head to the side.

"Y'know…stuff like … school! Tell me about school stuff."

Gakupo had no idea why he even bothered to make conversation with the stupid little monster. Meiko had told him to establish a relationship with the little imp, but he was pretty unsure if the kid could even carry on a sensible conversation for too long.

Piko seemed to pause in his fidgeting to think of a response. After what seemed like an hour, his timid, childish voice piped up. "Um…we played blocks, and jump rope yesterday…"

"Ah…that's nice…"

"…We also counted numbers too…I counted all the way up to 20…"

"Anything else?"

"…Our teacher read us a book…an' it was about a dog that ran away from home, 'cause it didn't like showers…" he said softly, tugging at the hem of the little kitty-print shirt he wore.

"…Ah…that seems like fun." Gakupo said, not interested in the least.

The room quickly sunk back into silence, the two of them perched on the couches opposite to each other. The little boy wrung the tail of his stuffed cat, while Gakupo picked at a loose thread on his sleeve.

"Say kid, isn't there anything to do around here?" Gakupo asked, feeling himself getting irritated by the wide eyes that stared at him from across the room.

"Umm…I like to do coloring…" Piko mumbled.

"Weell…I'm not a big fan of coloring…" Gakupo replied.

The silence returned.

"I need ta' pee-pee…" Piko squeaked, shuffling his knees together to show his distress.

"Well go take your piss then. Just don't throw nasty shit in the toilet again." He responded nonchalantly. "Also, try not to tell the entire world whenever you decide to have bowel movements."

Chubby, pale hands immediately flew to the round face in surprise, and bright eyes were open in shock. "You said a **bad **word!" He hopped off the couch and scuttled closer to the older male. "You know that bad words are bad to say?"

Gakupo gave a little smirk. "I dunno. Do you know the meaning of 'personal space'?"

The smirk disappeared when the little boy shook his head 'no'. "Whassat mean?"

"Never mind."

"Okay! So… can you tell me why you got girl hair now?" Piko asked, scrambling up Gakupo's legs while reaching for the nearest lock of his vibrant hair.

"It's a personal preference." he retorted irritably, swatting the offending hand out of his line of vision. "And didn't you have to take a dump or whatever?"

"I don't need ta' no more…" Piko said casually.

"Well then, get off me." He pushed the little boy out of his lap, and onto the floor. "Why don't you go rip the wings off of flies, or roll in mud, or whatever little boys do?"

Piko wrinkled his tiny button nose at the suggestion. "Flies are bugs, and bugs are icky. And so is mud. My teacher says that we aren't supposed to play in mud on the playground, or we'll get dirty!"

"Well, I thought kids are supposed to like getting dirty! What's wrong with you?" Gakupo was starting to get a bit exasperated by the child, and they'd only spent about five minutes together.

"Nu-uh! I like to color, an' painting, an'… a whooole lot of other things!" Piko exclaimed, practically bouncing in his position on the floor. "I like kitties too!" He got up, and reached for the big stuffed cat he left on the couch. He proceeded to wave the toy in front of Gakupo. "My friend's name is Iroha, an' she loves kitties too! She gave me this kitty when it was my birthday!"

Gakupo grimaced. _'Why the hell doesn't this kid shut up?' _

"Haha, I'm sure she did…" he said, extracting his legs from the boy's grip. "Hey, why don't we go do…something? Anything? As long as it doesn't involve you bothering me, really…"

Piko flopped on the floor rug with a dull 'plop'. All of a sudden, the strangest look crossed over the chubby face. He stared up blankly at Gakupo, who stared back in confusion. After a few awkward moments, the boy finally responded.

.

.

.

"Mister…can I go pee-pee now?"

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"The itsy-bitsy spider went up the water trout. Down came the pain and punched the spider out…!"

Slate grey eyes lazily wandered from the flickering television screen, to the source of the noise. He glimpsed the little pale-haired kindergartener scribbling in a picture of a duck in pink crayon, while singing to himself.

"Where the hell did you learn a rhyme like that, kid?"

"I learned it in school! Our teacher taught it to us!"

"I really doubt that a kindergarten teacher would teach little kids something like that."

"Well…I kinda forgot some of the words, so I made some of them up by myself…"

"Yeah, that's what I thought you did."

Gakupo quickly turned his attention back to the television. He wasn't really sure about exactly _what _he was supposed to do while 'bodyguard'-ing, so he opted on doing the one thing he knew he could do well.

Nothing.

The kid seemed to be taking care of himself, didn't he? He's doing fine right now, isn't he?

Kids were kinda like pets. All you need to do is give them some food or water, and let them out on a leash or something once in a while. And make sure that they don't get into the garbage.

Gakupo remembered somewhat fondly, of his pet turtle that he had in 4th grade. It didn't do much of anything. Ever. It swam around in the muddy-ish water for a bit, sat on its ugly little rock/boulder thing, and was fed little squirming, disgusting worms from a can that rested beside the tank. It really was one of the worst pets to have, besides a goldfish.

Ah well, it's just his philosophy, so…

But seriously, the kid did seem to be taking care of himself. But then again, all he had been doing was coloring in that picture of a duck for the last half hour. How someone could color in a simple picture for that long, was completely beyond him.

Gakupo stared blankly at the TV screen. Even after staring at it for the last half hour, he still had no idea on what exactly he was watching. He assumed that it was probably one of those pointless reality shows, because all he had seen so far, was clips of extremely skinny, overly tanned, botoxed, rich women, screeching at each other over affairs and the like. He had yet to see any one of them throw a punch, but he had a feeling that one of those skinny bitches would really blow a gasket sooner or later.

"Ahh…Mister?"

Gakupo tore his vision away from the television, to focus on the child tugging the side of his shirt. "My name is Gakupo. Not 'Mister'."

"Um…Mister Gaku? You wanna play coloring with me?" Piko asked nervously. He clutched feebly at his little book, with an innocently hopeful expression on his face. His expression fell when he caught sight of the stubbornly miserable look written all over the older man's face. "Pretty please, Mister?" He held up another half-colored picture of a cow, and the crayon he had used to color it.

Almost instantly, Gakupo felt a strong hatred for the coloring book, and anything else child related. He was a _man_, dammit! A manly man! He should be out at bars, picking up chicks and drinking booze till it poured out his tear ducts! Not watching old re-runs on washed up hags, or coloring in dog eared, half-done coloring books! Damn, the kid didn't even bother to stay in the lines, let alone coordinate the colors to the pictures! For crap's sake, the cow was blue!

**Blue!**

He knew that this was **not** an activity he wanted to partake in. His eyes flicked back and forth, between the television screen and the ugly, pastel blue coloring book, and the little whimpering boy who held it up.

"Pretty _pretty _please, Mister? With sprinkles and candy on top? An-"

"-Fine! Fine, dammit! I'll color your damn picture!"

The chubby little face lit up with glee as he took a seat on the ground in front of Gakupo.

"I told you this already. My name is Gakupo, not 'Gakky', or 'Mister'. It's Gakupo. Just Gakupo."

Piko didn't seem to comprehend. He gave a blissful smile instead. "Here, Mister! You get to color the horse with the horns, and I get the goat!"

Gakupo took a minute to examine the picture he was assigned to color. "…This is a moose."

"A what?"

"A moose."

He received a blank stare.

"Wait, y'know what? Nevermind. It's a horse with horns."

"…Okay then!"

Piko happily brought over his little box of crayons, holding up a bright purple one in one hand, and a canary yellow one in the other. "This is your crayon, an' this is mine!" he declared, handing Gakupo the purple one.

"Mooses aren't purple." Gakupo deadpanned.

"Your hair is purple!" Piko pointed out innocently.

.

.

.

"Touché, tiny boy."

* * *

><p><strong>Again I ask, how was it? Any typos? Any inconsistencies? Oh, how I hate typos...<strong>

**Equivalent exchange. I write, you review.**

**Btw, Happy Merry almost Christmas Day!**


	3. What exactly is Spam made of?

**Third chapter~! How sweet it smells!** **Plus, I apologize for the lack of activity in the last 2 chapters. I'm sorry they're boring... TT^TT**

**Well, in this chapter, you can at least look forward to some male, pancake bonding of sorts! But I still feel like I can't write well. Ah, insecurity, you know me so well...**

* * *

><p>It has been at least a day and a half since he had arrived, and frankly, he wasn't exactly sure what his purpose was around this little brat.<p>

He found himself perched on the little white couch, flicking through channels, and idly twirling a lock of his unnecessarily long hair. Piko was sitting on the floor beside him, once again coloring feverishly, while singing one of his nonsensical songs.

Gakupo had no clue on exactly what to do. His purpose was to ward off any of the UTAU members in case they showed up, right?

Well, where were they?

Sure, it hadn't been but a little more than 24 hours since he had arrived to watch over the little boy, but still! It was getting boring! He absolutely hated coloring, and the crappy television re-runs were starting to annoy him!

He needed action! He needed to feel the rush of firing off a few rounds of bullets! Avoid being hit in drive-by shootings! He needed to feel the ecstatic joy of throttling the life out of a victim, or sniping an unsuspecting target in the head! He wanted to make use of the stupid automatic pistol he always kept in his pocket!

But no. He was stuck with the _oh-so-wonderful _ job of babysitting a little pansy boy.

Still bored to tears, Gakupo's eyes managed to drift over to the spot where the little boy was sitting.

"What do you think, Misser Kitty?" Piko crooned at the limp, stuffed animal he hauled around the house. He had two crayons clutched in his tiny fists. "Do you think that this crayon is a pretty one? Or is this one pretty?"

Piko waited for a response. The cat, being inanimate, gave none. Piko giggled anyways.

"That's a good one, Misser Kitty! Maybe we should ask Mister Gaku which crayon looks the best!" he said, smiling at the toy. His big, mismatched eyes focused on the lazy figure staring back at him.

"No, how about we _not_ ask 'Mister Gaku' which crayon looks the best!" Gakupo groaned. Piko simply smiled, before making his way over to the older male on chubby legs.

"C'mon, Mister Gaku!" he pleaded, holding up the two crayons. "Lookit them! This crayon has sparkly bits in it, and this crayon is really shiny lookin'! They both look so cool! Which one is the coolest?"

"I dunno." He growled irritably. He pointed to the glitter embedded crayon boredly. "How about that one…"

"But that one is green! I don't really like green!" Piko pouted.

"How? Your eyes…or rather, eye… is green." He pointed out.

"Don't care! I don't like green!"

"Then pick the other one…" he replied, pointing at the other crayon.

"But this one is broken a bit!" Piko protested, prodding at the crayon, which had a noticeably wide gap in its paper wrapping.

Gakupo tried his hardest not to disregard Meiko's orders, and choke the life out of the annoying little boy, right then and there. "So then what am I supposed to do?" he all but growled out.

The little boy let out a frustrated grunt. "You're supposed ta' tell me which crayon is the best one!"

"But how can I do that if you reject all my suggestions?"

"Wha'ssat mean?" Piko asked, tilting his head to the side. "Is a 'suggestion' a bad thing? What's a 'reject'?"

"It's what you are." Gakupo muttered.

"Huh?"

"Nothing." He snapped.

Piko, being the short, unfocused child he was, shyly sat down, placing 'Misser Kitty' in his lap. Giving a 'humph' of approval, Gakupo returned to his vacant gazing at the old wrinkled bitches on the television.

"…hey, Mister?"

"What."

"Why does the TV make the 'bleep' sound when the ladies are talking?"

"That's the TV's way of telling you that little boys should go play with lighter fluid, or whatever else little boys are good at doing, instead of watching grown-up television."

"Oh…"

The room settled back into silence. For about, 6 minutes.

"Ahh…uh…mister…"

Gakupo looked up expectantly.

"I…I'm hungry…"

"Ugh…" Gakupo rolled his eyes in exasperation. Not even ten whole minutes yet, and the kid was already grating his nerves. "Fine then. What do you want?"

"…Can I have some pancakes?" the boy asked hopefully, leaning the slightest bit forward.

"What? Pancakes? Why?"

"'Cause! Haku-nii always lets me have some when it's Saturday!"

"I'm not really much of a… pancake chef…" he stated disinterestedly, still staring at the television. One of the anorexic looking hags had gotten up from the fancy restaurant table, and threw a glass of champagne in another anorexic bitch's face.

'_Huh... Does champagne burn when it gets in your eyes? It has alcohol in it, so it must at least sting like hell…like pool chlorine or something…'_

"That's okay!" A shy smile inched across the pale face. "I learned how to make 'em when I watched TV! They said that you needed eggs, an' some… some milk, an'…an'… some powder thingy in a box!" he began to bounce on the heels of his feet, ticking off the list of ingredients on his small fingers. "I can show you!"

Gakupo stared with mild surprise when a small hand enclosed around his finger, and found himself being tugged off the couch and towards the kitchen entrance. "No, really, pancake making really isn't on my list of things to do for today…"

The bright little bubble of a child didn't seem to notice, or care, about Gakupo's reluctance. Instead he blissfully pulled his new friend towards the kitchen counter.

'_Well, someone seems to be over their little shy episode, eh?'_ Gakupo thought to himself irritatedly.

"I got the eggies!" Piko declared coyly, displaying the brown carton of eggs over his head proudly. He shoved the carton in Gakupo's hands, and turned to retrieve the rest of the ingredients.

"We need a bowl to do these types of things, don't we?" he pointed out to the little kindergartener.

"Mister, you're smart!" the boy crowed in awe, surprised by the older male's genius.

"My name isn't 'Mister'. It's Gakupo. And by the way, we also need a spoon." He said bluntly. "A large spoon." he added, seeing the little boy pull a teaspoon from a silverware drawer.

"M'kay Gakupo-Mister!" a juvenile voice called out, sounding tinny, due to the fact that a large stainless-steel mixing bowl was placed on top of a silver head.

"It's not 'Gakupo-Mister' either. And get that off your head! That's unsanitary!" he scolded, swiping the metallic helmet off its wearer.

"In-san-tary…?"

"Its **UN**-san-**i**-tary."

"Whassat?"

"It means 'unclean', or 'dirty'."

"Or 'icky'!"

"Yes…or 'icky'." Gakupo repeated flatly.

"Un-san-mi-tary! Unsanmitary is icky! Icky is yucky, and yucky is the banana!" Piko sang to himself quietly, absentmindedly inspecting the back of the wooden spoon. Gakupo chose not to ask, or care.

Instead, he focused on the pancake batter. The quicker he made the damn pancakes, the quicker the brat would shut up…right?

Following the instructions on the box, he did everything the ingredients called for. In subsequent order, he poured the powdered batter into the bowl, cracked the eggs, and added a cup or so of water. His eyebrows wrinkled in annoyance at the soft gasp of awe the five-year-old emitted every time he did something fascinating, such as egg cracking.

When it was finally time to mix it all together, he wasn't surprised to hear a certain enthusiastic question from the pint-sized human.

"Can I do that?"

Letting out a sigh, Gakupo pushed the bowl towards the boy. A little joyous squeal was heard as he plunged the spoon into the bowl, sending small globs of semi-gelatinous batter everywhere.

"You don't just hack at the bowl like that! You have to stir!"

"…Stir? I can mix good!" the boy proclaimed, viciously stabbing at the contents in the bowl in what he believed was a 'mixing' fashion.

"That's not mixing. That's a step below brutal homicide by repeated stabbing. Lemme' help."Gakupo held onto the tiny fist that gripped the spoon handle, guiding Piko's movements into something more orderly.

"Stir, stir, stir your boat, gently down the drain," he began to sing softly again, feeling happy at the fact that he was learning to cook. "merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a pain!"

"Kid, where the hel-…where the heck did you hear that?"

"I made it up!"

"Figures…" he trailed off. "Now focus, because you have to mix until all the lumps are gone."

"Ick! The lumps are all dusty inside!" Piko laughed, poking at one of them with the spoon.

"It's not dust, it's the pancake powder." Gakupo corrected, deftly plucking the utensil from little hands before they could spread the mess around more.

"Haha, Gaku-Mister! My hands are all dusty too!" he clapped, laughing at the squishing sound his hands made.

Gakupo couldn't help but to smile in the tiniest bit. The little brat did piss him off to no ends, but he was kinda sweet. For a little dirt-monkey, that is.

"Mister Gakky, you mad at me?" Owlish multicolored eyes blinked up at him worriedly. "I'm sorry! I won't be a bad boy no more! Don't be mad!"

"Urrgh! Who said I was mad?" Gakupo snapped, locking his grey-blue eyes on the small figure.

"But you got the frowny face on! My teacher says that people make the frowny face when they're mad!" small, sticky hands gripped the marble countertop unhappily. Gakupo eyed the mess that he knew he'd have to clean later.

"Kindly remove your hands from the table, and wash them. They're disgusting."

He got a happy nod in response. Grumbling under his breath, Gakupo turned to the parts of pancake making that Piko couldn't do himself.

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After a few minutes of pouring, flipping, and scraping charred bits of pancake off the skillet, Gakupo had finally finished cooking.

"Pancakes! Yummy!" the little boy cried out, his chubby cheeks smeared with syrup. "Thankees Mister Gakky!"

"I ain't no 'Mister Gakky'. It's Gakupo. And stop eating with your mouth full. Don't you know how disgusting that is?" Gakupo growled, wiping excess batter off of his fingers.

The boy stopped shoveling food into his mouth completely, and looked at his babysit-…bodyguard with a serious expression.

"Mister Gakky, are you gonna make pancakes for me forever?"

'_Hell no, you'll be dead before you even hit 5__th__ grade.'_ was the first thing that popped into his head, but he opted for "That's impossible. No one can make you pancakes forever. Don't ask me weird questions."

Piko looked down at his pancakes with an unreadable expression etched onto his face. The rounded end of the neon green, plastic child-proof fork found its way past little pink lips, and into his mouth. The older male studied the strange action of the little boy with sharp grey-blue eyes.

After a quiet moment, Piko looked up and smiled.

"S'okay! When I grow up, I'm gonna make Gakky teach me how to make them just right! Then, I'm gonna be the one to make pancakes for Gakky!" a wide grin spread across the chubby, round face.

'_You sure you'll be around long enough for that?'_

Nonetheless, Gakupo allowed the tiniest of smirks to cross his face, at the pure thoughtfulness of the little boy's remark. He couldn't help but to feel a little sick, knowing what was in store for the child in the near future.

Unaware of Gakupo's thoughts, Piko continued to grin brightly while shoving more food into his mouth. He began to hum another one of his nonsensical songs under his breath, while flexing his sticky little fingers.

"Tales as old as limes

Songs I see when rhymes

Partyman is pain,

The teacup guy is Shane,

Beauty and the Beaaaaast!"

.

Gakupo couldn't help but to sigh one more time.

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"_Wassup, buuuuuddy!"_

Gakupo ground his teeth together till they squeaked.

"What the hell do you want?" he growled into the receiver.

"_Ahh, Gakky-kuun! You're so unwelcoming! Y'know, this is why you never pick up any chicks that stay around for long. Its 'cause of your crap attitude!"_

Gakupo let out an annoyed sigh. "I _really_, don't need any advice on my love life, thank you very much. Especially from _you_, Kaito."

"_You wound me!"_

"Why did you call me?" Gakupo deadpanned, making the question sound like a statement.

"_No reason! I can't call, just to hear your looovely voice?"_

"No, no you can't. I have a mission to take care of, if you haven't noticed yet." He replied, his eyes drifting to the sleeping child a few feet away. After the mini pancake fiasco, the little boy had fallen asleep while coloring a picture of the moon in green crayon.

_Green_. The same color of badly infected cuts and moldy cheese.

"_Ah...you mean that one…" _The change in Kaito's voice was immediate. _"So you're really gonna do this…"_

"Yes, I am. You know this. You were at the briefing. What do you want?"

"…_This is wrong…"_

"Yeah, well, it's what has to be done."

"_Yeah, but…"_

"But what? I've already accepted it, and I can't back out now."

"_Well…you kinda can…"_

"And what'll happen after that? You are aware that the penalty for abandonment of the organization is death, aren't you? And I'm sorry, but I'm not willing to get shot in the head, just so a little leech-monster child can live."

"_I know, I know. Just saying! No need to get all defensive 'n crap."_

"If Meiko ever heard you say this stuff, you know you'd be in a hell of a lot of trouble."

"_That's why I have my best buddy to keep secrets for me! Love ya', buddy~!_

Gakupo pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Again I ask, what did you call me for? If it's for small talk, I'm gonna hang up on you."

"_Aww, don't hang up! I have a whole bunch of office rumors to tell you about!"_

"We don't work in an office."

"_Okay, so you'll NEVER believe what Patricia from accounting said to me today! She was like, 'Kaito, I love your scarf, but you look like you got your jacket from the hobo on 25__th__ street.', so I got super mad, and was like 'Bitch, you don't know WHO you messin' with!', so she-"_

Gakupo pressed the 'end' button as hard as he could, until the screen was seconds away from snapping in half. In one quick motion, he chucked it at the nearest wall, leaving a black, dent-like smudge on the otherwise pristine wall. "Damn fool, callin' me and wasting my time…"

Piko leapt about 10 feet in the air as the phone landed with a 'clack' next to him. "Whu? Why'd you throw that? Is that a game? I wanna play!"

"No, you little…person, it's not. Go back to playing dead, or whatever you were doing."

Did the little fart listen?

Of course not.

He scrambled up on short legs, and made his way over to the taller male, grabbing onto his pants with a grin. "Don' wanna! I wanna play a game! Can we go outside an' play?"

Gakupo looked back at the television. Nothing to do, besides watch bronzed, wrinkled harpies screech at each other, so why the hell not?

"Where is there to go?" he asked, sighing as he got up from the depression he practically burned into the couch.

"We can go to th' park, an' the library, an' the ice cream store, an' Wal-Mart, an' Home Depot… an' Best Buy!" Piko jabbered excitedly, bouncing on his toes.

"Let's pick one place to go first." Gakupo said, placing his hand on the head to stop the boy from moving so much.

"I wanna' go to Home Depot! We can look at wood at Home Depot!" Piko shouted.

"…What?"

"I wanna' go to Home Depot!" the boy said, smiling up at the taller male.

What the hell was wrong with this kid? What normal child would want to spend their day at a hardware store?

But then again, there was nothing else to do, besides watching the old hags fight. He loved a good cat-fight, but he couldn't watch it all day. Especially when they're all unattractive.

So, turning to the child, he gave a small smile. "Home Depot it is then."

* * *

><p><strong>So, the next chapter will be at Home Depot. And wherever else I think of afterwards. I don't know. Because I haven't yet planned out the rest. It doesn't help that I never write down any of my ideas<strong>...

**Equiv. Exchange. I write, you review.**


	4. Spidey Suit!

**Huh. This one seemed to come out faster than I expected. It might've been long for you guys, but I write chapters slow as hell, and then I revise the crap outta them once they're done. I didn't do it for this chapter, because I was just so eager to post it! It still feels like it's kinda mediocre, compared to the other chapters, but y'know... meh...I just hope it doesn't suck. So here goes!**

**Spoiler**** Alert:**Luka shows up!

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><p>"Mister Gaku, it smells like trees here!" Piko laughed.<p>

"Uh-huh. Trees…" Gakupo replied mindlessly.

The duo stood in front of the Home Depot superstore, looking up at the giant, orange, rectangular logo sign. Crowds of people went in and out through the automatic doors, some carrying stacks of lumber, and some carrying potted plants.

"Uh… why are we here again?" he asked, turning towards the little boy. Piko merely ignored him, and ran towards the store blindly, ignoring all traffic rules.

Gakupo almost crapped himself when he saw the child narrowly avoid an oncoming car. He raced to catch up to the boy, avoiding being hit himself. Grabbing onto the back of his shirt, he managed to rein him in, and drag him slowly to the entrance of the store. _'Damn kids need to come with a leash…'_

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><em>

"Mister Gaku, lookit' this!" Piko cried, waving an industrial sized fluorescent light bulb in the air. "It's a super light bulb!"

"Put that down before you break it!" he snapped, snatching the glass bulb out of tiny hands.

The two were currently browsing (more or less) in the 'Lighting and Fans' section of the store. By browsing, it meant pointlessly wandering. Gakupo made it a point to stop and flip over every box containing light bulbs onto their sides, while Piko animatedly flicked the light switch on and off on the lighting display case.

"My friend says that only wizards can do this, but I can do this too!" he cried, repeatedly pushing on the dimmer switch on the display case. "Does that mean I'm a wizard too?"

"You can be whatever you want to be. Or whatever sentimental crap adults tell children." Gakupo sighed, inspecting a black light encased in its carton. Why was he here? There wasn't anything that he really needed in the store. Probably just something small and petty, like little screws, or batteries. Or light bulbs. On second thought, the black light bulbs did seem kinda cool. It seemed like something that would be fun to use when bringing back drunk chicks from the bar. Or maybe it didn't matter that much, because when your drunk, very few things matter, except for the shame-filled, embarrassing day afterwards.

Either way, it would make for some great, drunken, 'fun'. 'Embarassing' was **not** in his dictionary, so he had no concept of the word. Well, unless it had to relate to the little snot-child of a boy.

The same boy who was not in the 'Lighting and Fans' department anymore.

"Aw, shit..."

Children **really** should come with leashes! Where was the kid? Ahh, there are more than a billion things that could happen to a brat in a store like this! He could've been stolen by one of those old man sex-pervs with the moustaches, or run over and flattened by one of those heavy-lifting trucks!

Or in the aisle just across from him, playing with power tools.

Gakupo relaxed instantly, seeing the boy play with the tools only a few feet away in the aisle across from him. He watched as the boy pulled down giant gardening shears off their shelves to get a closer look at them. After that, he reached for the chain saws, trying to reach up and pull them off the shelf. Seeing that he was too short to reach, he began tugging on the dangling cord, pulling it closer and closer to the edge. Along with a variety of other power tools.

'_Heh. It's pretty cute_…' Gakupo decided, turning back to the light bulb rack.

Wait…

Dropping the box he held in his hand, Gakupo made a swan dive even Olympic swimmers would've been jealous of, and yanked the boy out of the way, before he could be showered in a rain of pointy power tools. He almost cried in fear as a circular saw fell in between his legs, inches away from castrating him. On the other hand, Piko found the whole predicament as hilarious. As usual.

"Gaku, you're like a ninja!" He cried happily, slightly muffled by the elder's arm wrapped protectively around his face. "You went like 'Fwoosh' and saved me! My Gaku is a ninja~!" he cried, making several karate chops in the air. Gakupo grimaced when one wayward chop found his face.

It really shouldn't be illegal to strangle someone in public.

Dusting off his pants, he dumped the child on his bottom unceremoniously, and stood up. He knew he'd have to do something about the mess, seeing as the Home Depot employee across the aisle was giving him the stink-eye. Turning to the boy, he saw that Piko was already busy playing 'let's pretend that dangerous power tools are toy cars, and race them' on the cement floor, not caring that only a moment ago, the same tools could've been embedded in his tiny little skull.

"Dammit Piko! Don't play with those things!" he snapped, yanking a power cord out of his hands. "You could get shocked, or electrocuted, or burned, or something [even though they all mean the same thing]!"

"But the string isn't in the wall. At school, Missus Megurine says that if the string-"

"-Cord." Gakupo interrupted.

"-_string_ isn't in the wall, then you can't get shocked!" Piko continued.

"To hell with 'Missus Megurine'! I don't even know who that bitch is!" he cried, wanting to tear his hair out. Can't this child focus for even five seconds? It was like trying to explain quantum physics to a rabbit with ADHD!

"Excuse me?"

A woman spoke from behind him. Turning around, he came face to face with a tall, busty woman with pastel pink hair, and an expression that was very close to 'pissed off'.

Oh great. One of those stuck up, annoying shoppers. Probably coming over to bitch about the noise level they were breaking, or whatever.

He scowled at the woman, fully prepared to tell her to piss off, when Piko said something from behind him, that made his blood run cold.

"Missus Megurine!"

Piko ran over to the woman, only to crash into her knees. He buried his head in her dress as she bent down to give him a hug.

"I thought I heard you here, you cutie~!" she smiled, pinching one of the little boys' cheeks. "I knew I just had to come over and say hello! I didn't know that you were with a friend today..." she spat, giving Gakupo a dirty glare.

Shit, she must've heard him.

Piko giggled, not picking up on the new-found tension between the two adults. "Gaku is my best friend!" he said, dragging Gakupo over to the crazy-haired lady. She eyed him up and down, probably sizing him up in case a fight broke out. Feeling more awkward than ever, Gakupo stuck out a hand to her.

"Hi. I'm Piko's bodyguard. Gakupo Kamui. Nice to meet you." he said, giving a plastic smile. The woman was unmoved.

"You mean babysitter."

"No, I mean bodyguard."

"You can dress it up in any fancy word you like Sir, but you're still a babysitter."

Ah. He knew already that he was gonna hate this chick.

Gritting his teeth, Gakupo managed to keep his phony smile stuck to his face. "Ma'am, who are you to tell me what I am, and what I am not?" he asked in his most civilized tone. "For all I know, you could just be one of those street hookers that like to converse with small children."

"Hooker? Hey, Mister Gaku, did you know that people use fishhooks to catch fishies?" Piko asked, tugging on his jacket. He was promptly ignored.

"I'm this child's teacher, Luka Megurine." she said plainly. She then bent down, placed two hands on each side of Piko's head, covering his ears. Pretty blue eyes narrowed into slits. Gakupo got the feeling that he wasn't about to enjoy the rest of his already miserable day.

"How _dare_ you say something like that in front of a child?" she hissed. Piko stared up blankly at his 'bodyguard', not hearing a word that was said. "What kind of babysitter are you?"

"Oh come on! What are you, my mother?" Gakupo spat back with just as much venom. "I didn't know that my mother followed me all the way to Home Depot this morning!"

"Keep it down!" she said, looking around at the other shoppers giving them looks.

"'Keep it down!', she says! My mother wants me to 'keep it down'!" he crowed, shouting even louder, staring directly at her, as well as the other customers. A spiteful look was pasted onto his face. Heh. This bossy bitch wasn't getting the best of him today.

"Look, I don't know who you are, but I know that you are too old to be acting so childish!" she said angrily.

Gakupo smiled. He knew he was winning this fight. "If I am a child, why are you yelling at me? Why is a grown woman yelling at a child? Are you trying to kidnap me? Are you a sexual predator? Is 'Miss Megurine' really a PEDOPHILE?"

"How am I a pedophile? I'm a kindergarten teacher, for hell's sake!" she said, angered to the point of yelling in a public area.

"Ah! Miss Megurine is trying to use pick-up lines on me! She thinks that I'll forget that she's a pedo and date her, just because she teaches a bunch of brats!" Gakupo yelled even louder.

By this point, almost everyone in the surrounding aisles were stopping to look at the spectacle. Two grown adults screaming about pedophilia at the top of their lungs in a hardware store, and a small child stuck in the middle with a wide smile on his face.

It wasn't before long, when an old woman hobbled over with a cane in hand. She placed a comforting hand on Luka's shoulder, and gave Gakupo a good whack across the knees with her stick-weapon. "Dearie," she said, turning to Luka, "My ex-husband was just like this young man here." She stopped to point at Gakupo, who was bent over and clutching his knees, with her cane. "The best thing I did was divorce him. Took half of all his money, I did. That's what ya' need to do. Divorce this little upstart, and go buy one o' them vacation home in the Bahamas, like I did. Take ya' little baby along with you." she said, pointing to Piko.

Luka's face contorted into something twisted with pure disgust. "Ma'am, you're mistaken. This isn't my child, and that is **not** my husband."

"Missus Megurine, where's that lady's teeth? Did they all go away somewhere? Are they on vacation?" Piko asked, tugging on Luka's dress.

The old hag didn't hear it. "This man is just like my ex-husband, yes'siree. Trust me, your husband 'n mine must've gotten together at some point. Men are nothin' but a bunch of big babies, they are. I'm tellin' ya, get yer little baby...girl? here, and divorce this buffoon as quick as ya' can!" She let out a cackle, before taking Piko up in her arms with amusement.

Piko's chubby face widened into a smile, as his tiny body was engulfed in an old-lady scented embrace. He let out a giggle, and smiled at his 'bodyguard' while small, outstretched palms felt their way across the woman's face. "Gaku! This lady feels like raisins! And she smells funny too! Like when my socks get all stinky, 'cause I went outside without my shoes and I stepped in doggy poo-poo! Haku-nii gets mad when I do that!"

This scene was quickly spiraling into a stranger catastrophe. The old hag was cackling like a deranged witch, with Piko laughing along like it was the most normal thing in the world. Luka was waving her arms about frantically, trying to get the old woman's attention, while Gakupo rolled about on the floor, willing the swelling in his knees to go down. It was no surprise that eventually a Home Depot employee soon came over, along with a few security guards.

"Excuse me Sir? Ma'am? You're being a bit disruptive to the other customers. We're going to have to ask you to leave." The employee said, a tight smile stretched across his face.

"Wait!" Gakupo said, still on the floor. "At least let me buy the light bulb!" he cried, pointing to the bulb that had been discarded when he made the suicide-dive to save Piko.

"Sir, you really need to leave." The employee deadpanned.

"I'm not going nowhere until I get to buy that light bulb!" he said defiantly. There was no way in hell that some wimpy-looking peon was gonna tell him to leave! He's a man, dammit! He'll leave when he's damn well good and ready!

"Quit acting like a fool, Mr. Kamui. Just get up and leave, like the man said." Luka snorted, secretly enjoying this.

The employee turned to face her. "Ma'am, if you don't recall, you are also required to leave the store."

The smug look on Luka's face dropped. "The heck do you mean by that? I haven't done anything! It was all that crazy hag's fault!" she pointed to the old woman. Or what would've been the old woman, if she hadn't disappeared into thin air. The crafty old witch…

The employee didn't say another word. He simply motioned to the two security guards, who grabbed them both by the arms, and practically hauled them towards the exit. The employee stopped to pick up Piko, who just laughed and tugged at the bright orange Home Depot apron. As soon as they reached the sliding automatic doors, Gakupo and Luka were both unceremoniously dumped on their asses and shoved out the doors. At least the employee was nice enough to hold Piko's hand until he was safely reunited with Gakupo.

A shit-eating grin was plastered onto the man's face. "We apologize for the inconvenience, but you are temporarily banned from this store. You will be allowed back in next month." And with that, he turned and went back inside, bringing the two security guards with him.

The trio stood outside of the superstore, two of them speechless, and one just plain clueless.

Luka slowly turned to the older male, with a blank, unreadable expression. "You… you managed to get me kicked out of a store… _me_, who's never done anything exceptionally bad in my life… and you singlehandedly managed to stain my perfect record of conduct…"

"Well, sorry Miss Prissy Pants. What can I say? Shit happens sometimes." He replied, shrugging his shoulders. "Really wish I got to buy that light bulb though…"

The next thing he knew, Gakupo was staring straight up into the cloudy September sky [which seemed to be _spinning_], lying flat on his back in the parking lot. Luka's head hovered in his line of sight, her blue eyes still squinty and mean-looking. He swore there were at least three of her at the moment.

"Gakupo Kamui, you disgust me. It's my displeasure to meet you."

And with that, she spun on her heels, and disappeared from his vision.

"Bye-Bye Missus Megurine!"

Gakupo could feel a light weight settle onto his stomach. It was Piko, sitting on him in the middle of a busy parking lot intersection. He saw little wisps of silver out the corner of his eye, along with a small, pale hand waving back and forth.

"Bye-Bye, cutie!" Luka's voice called back faintly as she stalked towards her car.

Being satisfied with the response, it seemed like Piko's attention was turned back to Gakupo. Sitting up in a fist-induced daze, Gakupo was confronted by the two owlishly adorable, mismatched eyes that he had grown accustomed to seeing within the last day and a half.

"Hey Gakky, y'know what I learned today?" Piko asked, blatantly invading his personal space.

"Try me." He said dryly.

"I learned that when you go to Home Depot, nice guys in orange shirts gives you rides on their shoulders! An', old ladies smell funny too…"

"Hey Piko, y'know what I learned today?"

"Try me, Mister Gaku!" Piko said, copying the older male.

"…I learned that should never take you out into public ever again. You seem to have a gift for bringing bad luck."

"Does that mean we won't go back to Home Depot no more?"

"Not in a hundred damn years."

"Not even a million? Or a million billion, bajillion years?"

"Not even then."

.

.

.

"Really?"

"Really."

.

.

.

"Not even a million, billion, kajillion, bajill-"

"**No**."

* * *

><p><strong>How was it? I still think it was kinda crappy though. I feel like I focused too much on dialogue, and not enough on everything else. Feels kinda rushed too... nonetheless, I am having loads of fun writing this story! I just hope you found Luka's intro to be amusing! :D<br>**

**Equivalent Exchange. I write, you review.**


	5. QWERTY KEYBOARDS!

*****Ignore the 2nd update alert for this chapter. I was just editing.**

**This chapter was brought to you by French Jazz. Seriously. I'm into that crap now. It's what I've been doing in between updating. I'm not even CLOSE to being French (My family is Caribbean), but I like how it sounds. So that's what I've been doing. Listening to french jazz, like I don't have any homework to do. Which reminds me, I really gotta get started on that right now...**

**Another reason why I haven't updated was because I was busy looking for a book. It was a manga I vaguely remember reading in 5th grade or something like that, and I wanted to find it again. I couldn't remember the title or plot of it, so I was internet trolling for the damn thing for a long-ass time. Mainly because there is practically NO info on the damn book. I finally had to go all the way back to the library in my old town (the one I moved away from a while ago), just to find the damn thing. Luckily enough, it was sitting right on the shelf, with the title on display for all. Turns out, it's called "Mystical Prince Yoshida-Kun". It was so damn hard to find, because it was discontinued after one volume. I couldn't even check the book out, because I owe the library about 33 bucks in unpaid fines. So that trip was for nothing. DAMMIT.**

**But it's not like you guys care. On with the story.  
><strong>

* * *

><p>"Damn kid, n' his damn lunch…" Gakupo cursed, flinging a butter knife across the kitchen.<p>

The world-renown assassin, Gakupo Kamui, was reduced to packing lunch for a five year old boy.

"What the hell can I even make, without killing the kid anyways?" he murmured to himself, shuffling through the cabinets for something suitable. On the note that Haku had left that day (which she delivered with another apologetic, sad smile before leaving on yet another business trip), she had written down an entire list of Piko's allergies and symptoms.

It was impressive, to say the least.

Minutes ago, he had decided on making a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.

Until he looked at the list.

At the very top of the list, in neat handwriting, were the words:

_All types of nuts__– __**Very allergic! **__Do __**NOT**__ give any kind of nut to Piko! This includes peanuts! Don't even cook it or let him touch it! He'll go into anaphylactic_ _shock! (This means he'll suffocate) If he eats it, or even touches it, use his Epi-pen! The instructions are on the side of it!_

Well, that canceled any effort on a PB&J sandwich. Gakupo cursed under his breath, and leaned against the sink while thinking of another snack for the child. What about fruits? Kids like fruits, right? Piko couldn't possibly be allergic to fruits, right?

But then he looked at the list.

_Some fruits__ – Semi allergic! Don't give him strawberries, peaches, apples, or grapes. To be honest, the only fruit he's allowed to eat is a banana. It's the only fruit he's ever tasted! All the other fruits will cause his skin and lips to break out into really bad rashes and blisters. It isn't pretty! Then his throat swells up a teeny bit. It won't kill him, but it'll be uncomfortable, so he'll be crying a lot. So, remember! Only bananas!_

Okay, seriously? What the hell could he make that was even relatively safe? He scanned the rest of the allergen list that Haku had written.

_Also Allergic To…_

_Wheat – Irritates his asthma!_

_Red 40 (A type of dye used in food. Check the food label for it!) – Causes a rash, and puking!_

_Soy – __**Do NOT **__give this to him! Anaphylactic_ _shock __**WILL**__ occur!_

_Corn – Causes mild blisters!_

Gakupo felt sick just reading the list. What normal person could have _that _many allergies? Well, then again, he had once heard of that one girl that was allergic to water…

But that was neither here nor there.

Soon he became bored of reading. It wasn't anything fancy, just a bunch of fucked up allergies, so he simply tossed it aside after reading a few more sentences.

After canceling almost all the ingredients that he had planned to use, Gakupo was left with very little inspiration. He grabbed the nearest ingredient his hand touched, and pulled it out. It was a small jar of chocolate sprinkles.

That'll do!

As a second thought, he grabbed a banana, and laid it on the counter next to the sprinkles.

So, what can possibly be made only with sprinkles and a banana?

Nothing.

That was why he simply picked up both the banana and sprinkles, and just stuffed them in Piko's eyeball-peeling, neon yellow lunchbox.

Let the brat figure out how to eat it.

He was about to be generous, and add in an extra sugar packet that he "borrowed" from Dunkin' Donuts that one time that he went inside without ever buying anything, when he heard a deafening crash and shatter, followed by an ear-splitting shriek come from one of the rooms upstairs.

"MISTER GAKUUU!"

Gakupo immediately dropped everything and ran towards the sound, almost tripping up the stairs along the way. What the hell was that? Did the UTAU's finally show up? Did one of them really manage to get to the boy before he did?

All but kicking down the door, he raced into one of the rooms, ready for anything. What he saw deflated his killer instincts, and brought along a sense of disappointment. It was bad, but not what he expected.

Piko was face-down and bawling, curled into a ball with one leg stuck underneath a fallen bookcase. Glass ornaments and figurines, which were once resting on the bookcase, were now reduced to shards as they lay on the floor around the child.

Gakupo could practically feel his job flying out the window. Along with his head. And his private 'manly parts'.

"What? What the hell happened?" he cried, racing over to the little boy. Piko let out little whimpers as the older male gently picked him up, prying his leg out from under the heavy wooden bookcase. He began checking him over as he talked, trying to spot any injuries. His heart almost stopped in his chest when he saw several bloody cuts and abrasions decorating the chubby, tear streaked face.

"What the hell happened?" he asked again, eyes wide. He tried to help a bit by rubbing the edge of his sleeve across Piko's face. That only succeeded in making a bigger, even smudgier red mess. "You can't manage to avoid accidental death, even for two minutes?"

Big, fat tears streamed down Piko's face even harder. "It hur-ts! My face hur-hurts Mister Gaku!"

Gakupo rolled his eyes. It was way too early for this...

"I know it hurts. I've seemed to gather at least that much information. Again I ask, what were you doing?" he said, tilting the boy's chin upwards. He grimaced when he saw a nasty, bright red cut running on the underside of his jaw.

"It at least looks like you can stand fine." He commented, checking over the leg that was pinned underneath the bookcase. It wasn't broken like he feared, just covered in a few cuts and bruises. He mentally added it to the ever-growing list of injuries that he had to take care of. "What were you trying to do?"

"I want-wanted to be j-just like Catwoman!" he cried with a hiccuping sob, still sitting in the broken shards of glass that surrounded them. "I went a-all the way to th' top of it," he cried, pointing to the top of the bookshelf. " Jus' l-like Catwoman did when she climbed on top o-of that building. 'Cept, I felled down, an' I broke Haku-nii's Rudolph dolly that was made of glass, 'n now -my face huuurts!"

Gakupo felt like crying himself. Why did he have to babysi-... bodyguard an idiot?

With nothing but an exasperated sigh, he took Piko's hand and led him towards the bathroom before the blood could drip all over the nice, white carpet. He placed the little boy on the toilet seat, before going through a manhunt for at least a bottle of peroxide or band-aids in the bathroom shelves.

Piko was still sniffling and hiccupping pitifully as he watched the elder with his big, teary eyes. He whimpered even louder when he saw him approach with the peroxide bottle. "No! That h-hurts too! It hurts a-alot too!"

"Tough crap. You should've thought of that before trying to commit suicide." He snapped. He eyed the boy critically, when he saw him squirming and fidgeting as drew nearer. "Now, either you sit down, I clean you up, put one of those nice Hello Hitty band-aids on you, and you can go to school happily, OR, you can make a run for it, I tackle you, throw you to the ground, sit on your spine, hold you down by force to wipe your face off, you don't get a Hello Kitty band-aid, you go to school and tell your bitch teacher, and she cusses me out for being 'inappropriate and uncivilized', and nobody goes home happy. You choose."

The chubby face melted into a pout as its wearer seemed to think over the options. Gakupo took the time to uncap the bottle, find a few cotton balls, and get into a wrestling position, ready and prepared for a little extra movement if the situation called for it. Oh yeah. If the little witch was going to make a move, he'd be ready.

"Do I have to get the Hello Kitty one?" he asked.

"You could always get one with Transformers on them. Or turtles."

"NO! Transformers are all grey and ugly! I don't like them! And the turtles are gross, 'cause they're green! I don' like green! I don't want them, too!" Piko cried, kicking the toilet seat with his heels.

"Fine then. Have Hello Kitty. I don't care. I always suspected you to be a fruity kind of kid anyways..."

"My favorite fruit is banana!"

"I bet it is."

Gakupo positioned himself underneath the little kindergartner's chin, prepared to wipe it free of the bloody mess. "I seriously don't know how you manage to get into these sort of accidents..." he mumbled. "This is gonna sting for a few seconds, so bear with me here."

"WAIT!" Piko yelped, stopping Gakupo. "Is it gonna hurt?"

"I just said that it was gonna sting! What do you think?"

"...that it's gonna hurt?"

"Ya' think?"

"...You just asked me that, Mister Gakky!"

Gakupo growled, grabbing onto the child's cheeks. He began wiping the gash as gently as he could, but that didn't stop Piko from squirming any less.

"Ow! Owwie! It's burning meee!" he yelped, starting to cry once more.

"I already told you that it was gonna hurt! Just hold on for a bit, 'cause it's not that bad!" Gakupo yelled, trying to steady the child's head. Piko simply kept pulling his head back, trying to avoid the cotton ball.

"Hold still! You'll make it worse!" he growled. He managed to get one good swab in, before he was nailed in the kneecap by a tiny foot. Piko began to wail hysterically, repeating over and over, "I DON'T LIKE IT! IT HURTS! IT HURTS!" He started to kick and scream as if Gakupo was trying to murder him.

Gakupo wouldnt've been surprised if the neighbors actually called the police over out of suspicion.

"I'm not doing anything to you! Just hold still!" Gakupo tried to shout over the massive noise coming from the small child. That, of course, didn't help at all, because he kicked and screamed nonetheless, until he finally wormed his way off the toilet seat and onto the floor. With one unluckily aimed kick, he made contact with Gakupo's face, causing him to let go. Once free, he ran out of the bathroom as fast as he could, leaving Gakupo behind with the bottle of peroxide and a bloody nose. Who knew a little monster could be so strong?

"NO! NO! I DON' WANNA!" could be heard chanting down the hallway, getting fainter and fainter with the distance.

Gakupo sighed. It was the sigh of someone who has seen hard times and suffered long, like an old cowboy, or an army veteran. The little imp was going to lead him on one of those pointless, exhausting goose chases, that you only saw on movies like 'Home Alone', wasn't he?

Quickly giving his nose a little first-aid, he began to follow the boy.

"Come here! You'll get crap on the carpet!" he shouted, racing out the bathroom and lunging at the child. Piko evaded clawing fingers as he skipped down the stairs as fast as his little legs could take him. Hearing the older man following after him, he dove into one of the rooms in the house, looking for a place to hide.

"No! I don' wanna! It hurts!" came the muffled reply from somewhere in the house.

"But it makes you get better if you use it! Don't you want to feel better?" Gakupo asked, as sweet as he could be. He barged into the living room and looked behind the couch. No monster-child there. He heard a skittering sound, and turned around just in time to see the back end of the child run back out into the hallway.

"NO! I don' WANNA!" the boy screamed. Gakupo stuck his head out, seeing the boy disappear around another corner.

He gave an exasperated sigh. "Well fine then. I guess that I'm just gonna have to let the disgusting, icky germs infect you, and eat all your skin up. Would you like that?" He asked, hoping to scare the boy out. He ripped open the closet door in the hallway. No monster-child there either.

"Nu-UH! The germs can't get me, 'cause they aren't here!" Piko cried, sounding closer. Maybe the bathroom? Gakupo creeped over, slowly opening the door. Nothing. "It doesn't matter! The germs all have superpowers! They're invisible! You can't see them, but they can see you!" He pushed back the shower curtains. Still nothing. Yet, as soon as he turned around, he managed to catch another glimpse of silver hair flitting into the hallway.

Piko let out a frustrated whine from wherever he was hiding. "They're gonna eat me?"

"Just the parts where you got all those cuts. So that means that they're gonna eat all of your face, and your leg! But the only way to stop it is if you let me clean you up. But, you won't let me. That's just too bad though." Gakupo sighed, pretending to give up. He sat down in the hallway, watching and waiting. "I kinda liked playing with you, but I guess you're gonna die soon, so..."

"NO! NO NO NO!"

He let out an evil grin, hearing the shriek only milliseconds later. The closet door opened with a bang from one of the rooms, and out raced the tiny, sobbing boy. He pitched himself face first into Gakupo's stomach, rubbing his teary, snotty mess into his good shirt.

Ew.

"NO! Mister Gaku! I don' wanna die! Fix me! Make me feel all good n' better again! I don' wanna die!" he wailed, clutching his bodyguard's shirt tight.

"I dunno... you didn't want me to before, so now I'm not so sure I want to help you again..." Gakupo trailed off. He extracted himself from the tiny arms (which had him in a damn near death-grip!) and stood up.

Piko wailed even louder. The boy wrapped his arms around the older's legs, hanging on with all his might. Gakupo almost tripped down the stairs and killed himself, hauling the little boy seated on his foot. What's worse, is that Piko began kicking and screaming once more.

"Don' let me die, Mister! I'll be good! I promise! Please? I'll give you anythin' you want! I'll give you Mister Kitty! You can have my Mister Kitty!"

It was clear that the boy was becoming hysterical, but was Gakupo going to satisfy the brat so easily?

Hell no!

**~~ (****｡◕‿‿◕｡****) ~~**

Now, Hiyama Kiyoteru was a very patient, polite man. He always paid his bills on time, never returned his library books a month late, and he always called his mother every Sunday morning, right before she left for church. Heaven knows, his mother loved to have a good chat on Sunday mornings.

He was always courteous, and always made sure to get to his teaching job on the weekdays, making sure to help advance his little classroom full of first-graders to their fullest potential before graduating. He went out of his way to making small talk with all the other teachers, from the sweet, cool, calm and collected kindergarten teacher, Luka Megurine, to the loud, uncouth, abrasive fifth grade teacher, Lily.

He shuddered especially at the thought of Lily. That crass woman that had been haunting him ever since high school. Oh, wasn't it a mistake to join a rock band with her in the 70's… It was also a mistake to give himself the name "Ice Mountain Teru", seeing as the woman can't stop calling him that, even after the band had broken up after college.

But that's not important.

He also enjoyed being in the company of his sweet, ever-so-smart niece, who was also his student, Yuki Kaai. He made sure to spend plenty of time helping her with homework, before heading to his side job, being a professor at an upstate college. Yes, it was safe to say that Professor Hiyama Kiyoteru has been living the straight and narrow ever since he graduated college.

Yet, when he woke up that fateful September morning, he had a nasty thorn in his side.

Why?

Because of the incredible racket coming from the house next door.

He banged on the door until it rattled in its spot.

"Hold on a damn second!" someone shouted from inside. Kiyoteru frowned. That did not sound like Haku.

He banged on the door even harder. Was she being robbed? Oh hell, was there a burglar in the house? Was she and the child being held hostage at gunpoint? Listening over the unfamiliar yells of "I told you to hold on!" and the various muffled thumps and bumps, he could hear the hysterical yelping of the neighbor kid, saying things like "No! I'll be a good boy! Don't let me die!"

Oh gods. They really were being robbed, weren't they? He banged even harder.

Suddenly, Hiyama Kiyoteru felt a rush of heroic valor. If the neighbor and her child were being held hostage, wouldn't it be fantastic if he could save them both? Just bash the robber over the head with a beer bottle, or a flower pot, and get them out of there in no time?

The door swung open, revealing a tall, disgruntled looking young man, with a grimace etched across his face. The neighbor child was wrapped around his legs, bawling like someone had stolen his Christmas presents. "Cornflakes? I'll give you cornflakes if you help me, Mister Gaku! Don't you want cornflakes?" he sobbed into the man's pant leg.

"What?" the strange man groused. His blue-gray eyes narrowed at the brown-haired man on the doorstep.

"Excuse me sir, but are what exactly is going on here?" Kiyoteru asked, staring straight in his face. "Are you harassing Haku and her nephew?"

The young man seemed ready to punch somebody. The child wailed even louder, still screaming about cornflakes. "Miss Yowane isn't here right now. Please go the hell away."

Well! The nerve of kids nowadays! He is a rude little individual, wasn't he? Kiyoteru looked down at the howling banshee stuck to the young man's leg. What the hell? Was there _blood _on that child's face?

Things just got a lot more serious.

Staring straight into the young man's eyes, he simply said "I'm calling the police."

That got an immediate reaction out of the rude whippersnapper. "What the hell? WHY? I didn't do ANYTHING! Who are YOU? What the fuck!"

Kiyoteru crossed his arms. "Sir, there are obvious signs of child abuse on this little… girl? Care to tell me why there are so many cuts and abrasions on this child? From the way she (or he) is crying, she (he?) seems to be an immense amount of pain."

The man's eyes widened in panic. Bending down to try and pry clingy hands off of his legs, he scrambled for an answer, just like any guilty man would.

Ugh. Child abusers are just despicable.

"Wait! What are you talking about? I didn't do anything to him! He just- Piko, get **OFF**!- He just got himself in a little acciden-"

"-Save it, sir." Kiyoteru cut him off. "You are an abuser. You make me sick. People like you make me sick. Do you get off on that kind of thing? Abusing kids?"

The unfamiliar man started to turn a brilliant shade of red. "What?"

Ugh. He's trying to play innocent. How sick. Kiyoteru felt a wave of disgust was over him as he watched the man try to persuade him. He remembered vaguely how his mother said that sex perverts lived all over the place, and now he knew how correct she was. There was one standing right in front of him!

"You're a sick man!" he growled. "This poor, innocent child is being abused by someone like you! I wouldn't put it past you to sexually abuse him also!" He bent down to the child's level, giving a reassuring smile and a pat on the head. "It's okay little one. You'll never have this dirty man touch you again."

The child pouted. "But I want Mister Gakky to touch me! I can't get fixed good, and the germs will eat me if I don't! Mister Gakky has to touch me!"

Kiyoteru looked up, horrified. "My GOD, have you already brainwashed this child? You've contaminated his innocent little brain with your filth?"

"NO, DAMMIT! I'm trying to tell you th-"

"Save it, you pervert. The police are on their way."

The young man then turned a dangerous dark red. Much like a defective chameleon.

"Look, I dunno who the hell you are, but you need to get lost!" the stranger's voice cut in, interrupting Kiyoteru's thoughts on his mother and pedophiles. "I'm not hitting this little runt, or anything close to that! And I swear, I'm **definitely **not doing **anything **sexual to him! Right, Piko? Right? Tell this freak that I'm right!"

He stopped to look down at the little boy, who he had no luck with in pulling off. The clingy little rat-child…

Piko simply stared up at his bodyguard, a big frown still plastered on his face. A warning whine came from his throat, indicating that he was getting ready for another frustrated wail. "Mister Gaku, if I say yes, will you make me feel good again? Because I want you to fix me, n' make me feel good again. Except you can't touch me hard, 'cause then my boo-boos start to hurt."

The little boy looked at the two men, puzzled as to why his bodyguard started to bash his face in on a wall, and why the strange man started to make funny gasping noises, like a fish. Were they feeling sick or something?

"YOU BEAST!" Kiyoteru shouted, flailing like a madman.

"NO! He has no idea what he's saying! I didn't touch him like that!" the other man yelled. "He's just a kid! Don't take him seriously! Seriously! I didn't do anything!"

But it was no use, because Super Kiyoteru had already emerged, along with his cell phone. "Hello, and good morning, sir. I'd like to report a case of child abuse please?"

**~~ (****｡◕‿‿◕｡****) ~~**

They finally arrived at the school, almost an hour after it had started.

As soon as the pair burst through the brightly colored, sticker decorated door, they were taken aside by a furious kindergarten teacher.

"Where were you two?" Luka asked, eyes narrowing into an angry glare and directed straight at Gakupo. She sure as hell hadn't forgotten about the Home Depot incident, and she was nowhere _near _being over it.

"Calm down, woman. We got sidetracked." He said, putting up his hands in defense. It wasn't even anywhere near 12:00 P.M., and his day had already spiraled down the drain. He was in NO mood to get into an argument.

Luckily, or rather unluckily, Piko stepped in and took over.

"Missus Megurine, guess what? I got to be visited by a police man! A police man came to my house today!" he said, waving his arms excitedly. He remained happy, not noticing the strained smile crossing his teacher's face.

"Did you, now?" she asked, still smiling the fake smile.

"Uh-huh! Plus, I got a real cool boo-boo! Mister Gaku said that it looks like something an old hooker would have! I dunno what a 'hooker' is, but I think it's a pirate, 'cause pirates have hook hands, just like Captain Hook and Peter Pan! 'Cept, I don't think Peter Pan has a hook hand… I like Tinker Bell though!"

"I'm sure you do, cutie!" she said, smiling still. "Now go play with the other children for a little bit."

She waited until he turned towards Gakupo to collect his lunch of sprinkles and a banana, and ran out of earshot, before whirling on Gakupo, ten times more furious than she was before.

"What the hell happened to him?" she whispered irately. "A policeman? A policeman came to his house? And the boy has a gigantic band-aid right across his chin! What the hell happened?"

"Look, y'see, what happened was, there's this nosy neighbor guy, right? Well, he thought I was trying to rob the little brat, or something stupid like that, so he called the cops on me!"

"...Were you trying to rob Piko?"

"What? No! Are you a teacher, or a retard? I'm his bodyguard-"

"-Babysitter."

"-Babysitter- wait, no! Bodyguard, for crap's sake! Don't distract me!"

There was an awkward silence. Luka glared steadily at Gakupo, while he simply glared back. In the background, above the noise of all the playing children, a distinct voice could be heard saying "Look guys! It looks just like a real pirate boo-boo! That means I get to be a real pirate, jus' like Tinker Bell!"

"Kamui Gakupo, you are an idiot. What did you do to have the cops called on you? And what does a neighbor have to do with it? Couldn't you just tell him who you were?" Luka asked incredulously.

Gakupo cringed. This was where it was gonna get a little more awkward. "Well… ya'see… the guy kinda thought I was rapist, so… he told the cops that I did dirty things to the little devil… so they questioned me for about an hour, and tried to arrest me when Piko said something… wrong…"

And just as it was predicted, it turned even more awkward. Luka's face was paper-white, and her eyes were piercingly cold and accusing. "…Kamui Gakupo, you are a sick man."

"DAMMIT! Do I look like a damn sex offender to you?" he exploded, ignoring the several children that stopped to stare in awe of him, and his knowledge of 'no-no words'.

"I don't know, Mr. Kamui. It's always the ones that look the most innocent." She shot back.

"If that was true, then wouldn't Piko be a sex perv too?"

"… Mr. Kamui, you're creating a distraction in my classroom. I don't tolerate sex offenders in this place, especially around children. You sick, sick, _sick-_"

"I didn't do ANYTHING!"

"…I'll believe you just this time, but I _swear_, if Piko says anything that gives me the reason to believe otherwise, _**I'm **_going to be the one to call the police on you." She growled, eyes still squinty and mean. "But that doesn't explain all the cuts and bruises Piko has. Explain those."

"Oh. Those. He just had a run-in with a bookcase. That's about all there is to that part of the story."

After a long silence, Luka shot one last glare, before looking away. She hadn't been paying much attention to her students, and her teacher senses were tingling. She could feel trouble starting to brew as she heard the argument going on between the gaggle of children in the corner of the room.

"Nu-UH! Peter Pan was the real pirate, ya' big dumbo!" A little blonde haired boy called out. A sour grin was plastered on his face as he stood in front of Piko, a whole head taller.

"NO! It was Tinker Bell! You're jus' jealous 'cause I got a real cool ouchie, and you didn't!" Piko cried, stomping up and down. He shuffled backwards warily, trying to get some distance between himself and the rude boy.

The blonde just snorted and stepped closer. "No I'm not! You're jus' dumb, 'cause you're always wrong about stuff. An' only dumb girls like Tinker Bell. The real cool guy is Peter Pan, 'cause he can fly!"

"B-But Tinker Bell can fly too!"

"But she's a GIRL!" the blonde boy said, laughing with a sneer. A bunch of other boys, which seemed to be his friends, began laughing along. Piko simply stood in the corner, looking miserable as the group of boys laughed in his face.

Seeing the bullying, Luka went into teacher overdrive. She was about to go over to the group, when Gakupo yanked on her arm, hauling her back and away from the boys that she so desperately wanted to confront.

"What do you think you're doing?" she hissed. "Don't you see that your own charge is being bullied? Let me go! I need to put a stop to this!"

"Shut up for a sec. I wanna see how he handles it." Gakupo whispered, effectively silencing her. She glared at him and the hand attached to her arm sullenly, before looking back at the boys and girls in the corner.

"S'not funny…" Piko whimpered, looking sadly at the boys before him. He stood helplessly, as the boys began to chant "Piko's a dumb ol' girl~!", lead on by the blonde.

"Hey, you think he's gonna just snap, or something crazy like that, and just deck the kid?" Gakupo whispered to Luka. She snorted in subtle amusement.

"You kidding? It's _Piko_ we're talking about. He can't even bear the thought that chickens are killed and turned into chicken nuggets. Plus, I don't know what boys did back when you were a kid, but **normal **little boys won't bash other children in the face."

"Are ya' serious? That kid over there _needs _a bash in the face, or two. He's even more of a little shit that Piko is." He replied, motioning to the little boy.

"I'm not obligated to respond to that. I regard all my students in the same way." Luka sniffed.

"That's a damn lie. It's obvious you have a weird attachment to Piko. Which other student do you call 'Cutie'?"

"Just shut up and watch the kids."

It was obvious that Piko was now close to tears. He made that awful keening sound, the one that warns that the endless flood of tears would start soon. Luka was becoming fidgety, her teacher instincts now in hyper-overdrive. Even Gakupo felt a little sorry.

Sorry that the kid took it like a bitch. He made a mental note to give the kid a backbone sometime in the future.

"Look! Now the little GIRL is gonna cry like a baby!" the blonde crowed in delight. He looked around at his buddies, smiling wide and evilly.

Piko's control snapped, and he finally burst out in an explosion of tears. Luka had seen enough, and broke free of Gakupo's loose grasp. She was about to rush over to the boys, when a certain someone beat her to it.

"SHUT UP!"

A feisty little red-head stood boldly in front of Piko, arms outstretched and an enormous scowl fixed upon her face. Alongside her was an excitable-looking, pastel pink-haired girl, wearing a gaudy Hello-Kitty hat and a bright red unitard.

"Hey Miki,y'know boys are really dumb." the little pinkette said to her friend. She methodically tugged on the ears of her cat hat, giving the surrounding males a mean look.

"Yeah!" the red-head, Miki, agreed. "It's much cooler to be a flying fairy, like Tinker Bell, than a stupid ol' boy. Or better yet, it's real cool to be a robot!"

"Or a kitty..." the pinkette sighed dreamily.

The red-head turned to face Piko, clumsily smudging away the tears on his face with a pudgy hand. "S'okay Piko! Nero's jus' mad, 'cause you look like a real cool pirate, an' he don't."

The blonde boy, Nero, scowled at Miki. "Am not! He's just stupid, an' he cries like a baby! Right, Gacha?"

A clumsy-looking, green-haired boy with a prominent tooth and a dinosaur-print shirt nodded in agreement."Ahh...cries like baby..."

The pinkette rolled her eyes before joining Miki and Piko. "Gacha is stupid. He can't even talk good. Of course he's gonna agree with ya."

"Shut up, Iroha! And, your hat looks stupid too!" Nero growled, stomping a foot angrily.

"Shut up is a mean word! You can't say shut up to her!" Miki growled back, equally threatening.

"Shut up, Miki! See? I can say whatever I want!"

"Careful, or I'm gonna zap ya' with my laser beam eyes!" Miki said, pointing to her face.

Nero rolled his eyes. "You're stupid. Girls don't have laser beam eyes. Jus' robots do. 'Cept, robots aren't real in real life, so you're dumb for sayin' that."

"I AM a robot!" Miki cried. She shook her fist in his face. "They are REAL, an' you don't got no proof that they aren't!"

**~~ (****｡◕‿‿◕｡****) ~~**

Luka turned towards Gakupo anxiously, eyes still fixed on the impending danger. "Are you sure it's good idea to let them continue like this?"

Gakupo snorted. "Hell no. The blonde kid looks like he's gonna explode, and the robot-freak girl looks ready to punch someone. Of course this is a terrible idea. Most of my ideas are bad anyways."

"Then let me go help then!" Luka snarled, moving forward once more. Once again, she was stopped by a strong hand latching onto her dress.

"Nope. Y'know that sometimes ya' can't baby the criers and bitch out the bullies. Let em' deal with it themselves." he said simply.

"They'll deal with it the same way every child deals with things! By either running away, or resorting to violence! And Miki and Nero are not the type to run away! And, They're just _children _for heck's sake!"

"Then let em' duke it out. Better to start early than late."

"This isn't WWE for children! This place isn't a where you can watch your sick, child wrestling fantasies!" She said, smacking him across the back of the head.

"Silence, woman!"

"Don't 'silence' me! This needs to end!"

**~~ (****｡◕‿‿◕｡****) ~~**

Meanwhile, Miki looked ready to smack someone. "Oi! Ya' wanna go, blondie? I can kick yer' butt with my laser beams right here, jus' like a robot! Don't think I can't!"

Nero stepped closer, shoving his fist near to her face. "Come on then, dumbo! You're not a real robot, so I can kick yer' butt jus' fine!"

The children were starting to get in a restless frenzy. Iroha began hissing dangerously cat-like, while Piko shuffled back and forth uncomfortably, still sniffling. Miki was making strange beeping noises, which she imagined to be scary and robot-like. Because, who wasn't afraid of robots?

Then they leapt at one another.

But, before they could make contact with one another, they were violently yanked apart from the back. Tentatively, they looked up.

An angry Ms. Megurine stood over them, looking ten feet tall, with a dark cloud of doom hovering overhead.

"Just what did you children think you were doing?"

Cue the stuttering fest.

"M-Missus Megurine! I-It was all t-that big ol' dumbos f-fault! He s-said that robots a-are stupid, b-but they're not!" Miki cried.

"Nu-UH! Mi-Missus M-Megurine, it w-was all of tha-at stupid girl's fault! She t-tried t-to hit me!"

"Nero's LYING!"

"Miki's LYING!"

"Nero said that Piko was stupid, but he ain't stupid at all! He's jus' jealous!"

"NU-UH! Miki said that boys were stupid!"

The two children resumed trying to claw each other's eyes out, struggling in their teacher's grasp.

"WOOT! Fight! Fight!" came a cry from Gakupo, who was still watching from the other side of the room.

"That is ENOUGH!" Luka growled, giving another swift yank at the back of their collars. "The both of you will go in time-out, and stay there until you realize that there is NO fighting in my classroom!"

"BOO! Interference! That would be a foul in basketball!" Gakupo interrupted. Luka turned towards him with a deadly glare.

"Get out of my class."

"Fine, fine. I'll be on my way…" he sighed, waving her off. "'Sides, I have a big-ass mess to clean up back at the house, thanks to that miniature 'Catwoman'."

"Don't use that type of profanity in my classroom!"

"Technically, this is property of the school, which is property of the government, which is property of the state, which is then property of the country. Therefore, you are wrong."

"GET OUT!"

He managed to make it out of the door just as a tiny, hardback book made contact with the door seconds after.

* * *

><p><strong>Fun Fact: Piko was released on the 8th of this month. Yeah, December. <strong>

**Now, how'd ya like it? Did you notice my Pikachu-shaped page breaks? Was it kinda pointless? Because I feel like this story isn't getting very far.** **Maybe next chapter something actiony is gonna happen?** **I don't know, because I just come up with this stuff on spur-of-the-moment ideas. I have a vague idea of where and how this story is gonna end.**

**Anyways, more on this chapter. On this chapter, I've introduced Iroha, Miki, Kiyoteru (who I find annoying for some reason...), and made a vague reference to ****Gachapoid. As for the other boy, for you people that don't know, Nero is Neru Akita's genderbend (and a nasty, mean little boy!). I kinda have to use some the genderbends for ****the children, and some for the actual assassin group, because there REALLY aren't enough Vocaloids to go with, compared to UTAU's.**

**Anyways, since I LOVE Christmas, I'm planning to update a Christmas chapter. Problem is, everyone is still in September in the story. So I gotta speed this bitch UP! **

**And btw, HELLO PEOPLE FROM ****THE PHILIPPINES****, FRANCE, MALAYSIA, POLAND, AND NETHERLANDS! As it turns out, you guys actually read this story too, all the way out there. Huh...**


	6. From Venus to Jesus with LOVE

**Dude... I'm like... fuckin' trippin OUT man... I'm so tired...** **No, wait. I'm not anymore. I hate when that happens...**

**Anyways, if you've read this far into the story, then you are now well aware that the chapter titles have little to NOTHING related to the actual story. Just wanted to state this fact out loud. XD**

**A****hh, January. What a hellish month that was. It was midterm after fuckin' midterm, and I hated every second of it. Ohohoh, just wait until March. Then I'll have another test trying to kick my ass... I swear, I haven't updated at ALL since it hit 2012! Midterms is NOT an excuse for not updating though. Because I can assure you, I did little to NO studying for that shit, so I had ample time to write. HO HUM...**

**Hey hey, I wonder if I can get this story done by the time it December and the end of the world and all that jazz? XD You guys believe in that? I kinda think it's a pile of doggy doo, so whatevs. We have like, 9 months to see what happens. (If it's not 9 months, then my bad. I didn't do the math. And I still won't, so HAH!)**

**WOOT! It's Superbowl Sunday here in fantabulous America, for those who don't know. Giants against Patriots! Seeing as I lived in NY for a while, and being a NY baby, it's obvious who I'm rooting for. Even if I couldn't even give a bigger shit that I do now about football. I'm just in it for the commercials. You guys see the commercial with the E-Trade baby talking to the new dad yet? It's so cute! I love how they can sync the baby with a grown man's voice so perfectly! XD**

**ENOUGH OF THIS POINTLESS DRIVEL! Now, about this chapter:**

**-This chapter was brought to you by... ****I dunno, iced tea or something? ****Not French jazz, because I've kinda grown outta that now. It was pretty sweet to listen to, while it lasted.**

-**Oh, I know. This was brought to you by some pretty emo bands from the good ol' days (**y'know, Evanesence, and My Chem. Romance**), and the procrastination of having to analyze the shit outta 'Catcher in the Rye'. I hate it, and I hate Holden Caulfield. The dude was an idiot, and he needed to learn how to fuckin' MAN UP and deal with shit. Shut the hell up and get an education so you don't turn into a fuckin' bum. Some just learn the hard way. Like Holden Caulfield. I swear, if I hear/see the word 'crumby' or 'phony' ONE MORE TIME, my fist is going through someone's skull.**

**-This was also brought to you by Oreos. You'll see why soon. No lie, while I was creating the story, I ate like, almost an entire package of Oreos. Gross sounding, but awesome tasting.  
><strong>

-**This chapter had the crap revised outta it like nobody's business. So it should be pretty ****nicely written, and up to your expectations in terms of length. I had to cut out several parts of it, so it wouldn't be too long. Plus, I feel like I had to make it up to you guys for last chapter. I feel like it sucked. BAD. It feels a little scatterbrained, compared to the others. At least, to me.**

**Also:**

**You guys ready for a headdesk moment? ****Anonymous user by the name '**BeLLsPrOuT**', pointed out that I should be writing 'Haku-nee' instead of 'Haku-nii', because Haku is a girl. **

**Oh shit. I completely forgot about that rule.**

**Ah well. What's done is done. I'm just gonna keep 'Haku-nii' for the sake of seeing double I's. I love seeing two of the same letters together. It looks so neat. I like double letters, and I like the letter I. It's better looking that double E's. So, keep this in mind. This is a headdesk moment here, but I'm too lazy to change it. (Hence my user name! XD) Anyways, thanks '**BeLLsPrOuT**'!**

* * *

><p>"Pray tell, exactly what the hell happened?"<p>

"What is there to tell? I'd think that it's self-explanatory, even with someone with an IQ of your caliber."

The ruby red eyes narrowed, yet the toothy smile remained. "How very droll of you. You come up with that yourself?"

The other redhead, this one male, narrowed his eyes in return. The snide smirk on his face didn't budge either. "Cut the bullshit. Last time I checked, we didn't live in the 19th century. So stop talking like an old British maid, will you? It's kinda _my _thing. _I'm _the smart one here."

"Sorry to interrupt the whole 'family-bonding' thing, or whatever you're discussing, but we have… y'know… actual _news _to talk about." Another, a brassier voice called out. A brunette with a strip of dyed hair, kicked back his feet lazily, staring at the two at the head of the long table.

The female placed at the head turned her focus on the crowd, and away from her… 'partner in crime'. The feral, playful way her eyes shone dully sent a ripple of wariness throughout the group.

"As I was saying, what happened? How did it go?" she asked.

Another male, this one blonde, stood up politely, fixing his gaze on her snarling form. "Exactly what was predicted. We waited too long, and they got to the boy first."

Fidgeting and muffled coughs and grunts were the only audible sounds. Evidence of the playful banter between the two siblings dissipated, and the room suddenly felt ten degrees colder.

The once mischievous eyes hardened into maroon slits as they turned towards the red-headed male. There was no doubt that it was time to get serious.

"Well? What do you suppose we do now, _O' Wise One_?"

It was clear that the male counterpart was taking the news in stride. With a tilt of the head, and an adjustment of the glasses perched delicately on his nose, he offered up a sly smile. "Easy. Do the same thing we've always done. _Anything necessary_."

**-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-**

Days melted into weeks, and weeks blurred by until it molded into the second month. It was now October, and so far, it was going good. Or, at least good for Piko.

Gakupo was close to tears of boredom.

The odd duo was currently perched on that spotless white couch, eyes glued to the television. Well, at least one set of eyes were.

"Hey! Hey, Gaku! Look! LOOK AT THOSE NINJAS!" Piko cried, bouncing in his seat next to the older male. The two were busy watching an all day Power-Rangers marathon, and Gakupo was sure that he'd get some type of eye cancer from staring at the horrible, seizure-inducing show any longer than he already had. The kid, on the other hand, was practically vibrating in his spot. He was clapping and waving, and twitching like a miniature madman.

What the hell? Power Rangers is that exciting? Is that, like, crack for kids or something?

Pudgy hands tugged vigorously at his sleeve, till he was almost sure that it was going to rip. "Gaku! Look! The White Ranger! He's real rare! Like the Black one! Aren't they cool? So cool! I wanna be one! Did you know that the Power Rangers are cool? They're so co-"

"Yeah. They're cool. I heard."

"YEAH! They're REAL COOL!"

"…I heard you."

"Uh-HUH! SO COOL!"

Gakupo didn't bother to respond this time. He just sighed and rolled his eyes. Ignoring the blaring television in front of him, he began to absentmindedly pick at the loose thread on his shirt.

What was the point of being there? Absolutely **nothing** had happened so far. No random maniac jumping out of the bushes to attack them, no elusive rooftop snipers trying to shoot them down, and no mysterious strangers catching them unaware and stabbing them in the back with a knife.

Nothing.

How sad.

The only good thing so far, was that he had plenty of free time to wander to the nearest strip club or bar [depending on whether he wanted more booze or booty that night], and get plastered after the little brat went to bed. Because going to both those places were almost always boring by yourself, he often found himself going in the company of Kaito and his Vocaloid… companions.

"She completes me~" the childish voice sighed, momentarily jolting him out of his painful boredom. Raising an eyebrow in alarm, Gakupo kept a trained eye on the television before voicing his thoughts aloud.

"What?"

"Her!" the little boy said matter-of-factly, pointing to the television screen. Currently, it was flashing rapid-fire, images of the Yellow Ranger undergoing her seizure-inducing transformation sequence. After a series of pointlessly vague hand gestures and abstract symbols flew across the screen, accompanied by the odd, blinding shower of lightning sparks, the blonde girl finally struck a pose in her tacky, sunshine yellow jumpsuit-skirt thingy while yelling out some random attack name.

Good GODS, this was utter mind-crap.

"Ah, so you got the hots for the blondie?" he asked, humoring the boy. Idle, mindless conversation was better than staring at the garbage any longer. Piko nodded dreamily in response.

"She's so pretty… her hair is all shiny 'n long… 'n she's so pretty…" he droned. "I bet she can spit real long…"

Cue involuntary eye twitch.

"Wait, what? Spit long? What the hell are you talking about?"

"When me 'n Miki go outside at recess, we go all the way to the back, near the swings, and have a spit contest!" He smiled happily, oblivious to the disgust on the elder's face.

"Spit contest?"

"Uh-huh! Whoever can make the longest spit wins the game! Miki's lucky, 'cause she always wins the game. You should see it! She spits, and it dangles there for a real long time, 'n then she can suck it back in! Once, it almost touched the floor! She said that she wins 'cause her robot powers help, but I th-"

"-Wow, that's fascinating. Now watch TV." Gakupo said, breaking him off in the middle of the long-winded sentence. It was now clear as day that there were a billion more things wrong with this child than just physical health problems.

They both returned their focus to the television [one overly-excited for no reason, the other bored as fuck], eyes more or less glued to the mind-numbing, hypnotic fight sequences and pseudo kung-fu moves of the children's TV show. He wasn't actually sure or not, but Gakupo could _swear _that this show was starting to make him slip into some brain-dead, comatose-like state.

So _that's _how they sucked in kids nowadays…

"Go go, Power RANGERS~!" Piko cheered.

Gakupo was sure that he was gonna fuckin' snap within the next five seconds. Feigning a glance at a wristwatch that wasn't there, he stretched and came up with the classic, "Oh, would you look at the time!" before forcibly propelling himself out of the Gakupo-shaped indent he made in the couch. Piko was still practically dead to the world. He only had eyes for the Yellow Ranger.

Acute irritation was becoming no stranger to Gakupo. The foolish chanting of vaguely Asian words and flashing lights were starting to annoy him, and the almost constant preaching on 'teamwork' and 'friendship' made him want to puke bricks. He felt the curious urge to go over and kick the Yellow Ranger right in her glassy, television screen face. But that would result in him having to pay for damages to Haku's property. That doesn't look good on a résumé. So he did the normal thing.

He shut it off.

Ashamed as he was to admit it, he jumped a little in shock when the child let out the most freakish, inhuman wail known to man. It was more like something a demon-possessed freak from the 'Exorcist' would emit, not a miniature five-year old boy.

"EMILYYY! **NOOOO**!"

"What? What happened? Who's Emily? WHAT?" Gakupo asked frantically, frightened that he had made some horribly, fatally irreversible mistake. The child screeched even more, kicking and screaming like he was in pain.

"Put Emily **BACK!**"

"Emily? Who the hell is Emily?" Gakupo cried, starting to get seriously worried for once in his long, miserable life. "What's wrong?"

"Emilyy~..." Piko whined, sniffling up a storm. "Put back Emily..."

All of a sudden, it hit him. Emily was that annoying, blonde, yellow Power Ranger bitch. The acute irritation came back in full force. Turning back on the TV just to be able to kick that chick in the face, didn't seem like such a bad idea.

Stupid kid, making him worry over nothing like that...

"You really fuckin' serious? REALLY?" he growled, bending down to eye-level with the little boy. "You're really crying over a Power Ranger?

Piko stared back defiantly. "I LIKE Emily! She's so yellow..."

You know what? He wasn't even going to try and reason with the little dipshit. Exhaling as loud as he possibly could, he got up from his position on the floor, and began making his way towards the kitchen, leaving the screeching, hysterical mess of a child behind on the couch. He was extremely hungry for someone who had just watched a painful, non-stop Power Rangers marathon well into the afternoon, and he wanted **FOOD**. Not 'food', but **FOOD** food.

Rummaging through the fridge, he let out a sigh. Oh, how he wished he was back home. At least there, the place wasn't stocked full of gross, organic, hypo-allergenic, hippie shit for food. Closing the fridge door with a slam, he raided the cupboards. Still more organic hippie shit.

Ugh. That means that he'd have to go outside. With that monster-child hybrid. Ugh.

Slowly, he wandered back into the living room, vaguely regarding the child still whining in there.

"Put your shoes on." he sighed, reaching for the door to outside.

Piko immediately stopped his whining long enough to ask, "Whyyy~? We going somewhere?"

"Yeah."

"Where?"

"Outside."

"Outside where?"

"Outside. Hurry up already."

He watched impatiently as the little boy scampered off the couch and towards the nearest closet door, clumsily pulling out a pair of bright yellow rain boots. Gakupo considered telling him that it was autumn, and it nowhere close to raining, but then he remembered that he didn't care. He just raised an eyebrow, watching as Piko began happily humming as he pulled the eyesores onto his feet.

"I'm a little teapot, short n' … sprout,"

"-It's 'stout'." Gakupo corrected.

"Here is my handle, here is my pout"

"-Spout."

"When I hear a teapot, hear me shout,

Tip me over and pour me out!"

Gakupo sighed. "Close enough…"

While waiting for the child to finish getting dressed, Gakupo went back into the kitchen and peered into the medicine cabinet. Quickly browsing through, he grabbed the red-and-white inhaler, an epi-pen, and the various other medications that the poor kid was prescribed.

He sighed annoyedly. The fact that he had to suit up with kid-drugs every time he went out with the little brat was starting to irk him. He felt more like a walking CVS than a person.

"I'm all ready~!" Piko cried from the front door.

Wordlessly, Gakupo knelt down to the little boy's level, and waved a bright orange pill bottle in his face. Almost immediately, Piko's face fell.

"Do I hafta' take it?"

"Do you want to die?"

"…No…"

"Good."

This was Piko's most hated time of the day, as well as Gakupo. Piko hated swallowing his medication, and Gakupo hated having to hold him down like a pro-wrestler and force him to take it. Yeah, it probably was kinda tough on a kid when they had to take almost 10 different types of pills a day, but he didn't care. It was just as much a pain in his own ass as it was to Piko.

Tipping back the boy's head by the chin, Gakupo placed two white tablets in the small mouth. Piko stood there motionless, staring back at him once he was done.

"Well?"

"Hmm?"

They stared at each other for a solid minute.

"SWALLOW IT."

"Nu-uh! Tastes like soap!"

If this was any full grown person, Gakupo would've simply solved the problem by punching them in the stomach until they gagged hard enough to either accidentally swallow the pills or choke. Unfortunately, this is reality, and punching a child classifies as assault, which could land him in the 'Big House' for about seven years or so, give or take a few.

So he could do nothing but yell like a pansy drill sergeant.

"I said, SWALLOW IT!"

Piko shook his head vigorously, mouth still full of the medication. "Yucky! I don' like it! It makes my throat all tickly when I eat it!"

Gakupo sighed for about the billionth time in only a few minutes. "Look, if you swallow it, I'll… I'll color pictures with you, or whatever pointless shit you like to do."

"Really?" Piko mumbled, multi-colored eyes wide and bright. The eyes lit up even more at the nod of approval from the elder. With a minor amount of gagging and coughing, the child managed to swallow the two pills whole, and choke it down with a cup of water. To be honest, Gakupo really did feel kinda bad for the kid, seeing that he had to do that almost every day, but growing hunger soon murdered the tiny bit of sympathy that his heart held.

Sadly enough, they still weren't ready. Out of his pocket, he produced another pill bottle.

"I hafta' take that too?" Piko whined, a rather cute frown crossing his face.

"Yeaup. Do it for me, and I'll play… hide 'n seek or whatever, for about an hour or so."

"What if I don't wanna take it anyways? It's real yucky!"

"Well, if you don't want to take it, then I'll take Mister Kitty away."

He grinned in evil satisfaction when he saw the two multicolored eyes widen in fear. "Take him away, for like, a tea party, or a dress-up game?" Piko asked worriedly.

"No. I'll take him out to play fireman with me." He answered, taking out his silver cigarette lighter from his back pocket and waving it threateningly in front of Mister Kitty. He flicked it a few time, making it spark for effect. He couldn't help but to grin a teeny bit at the worried expression on Piko's face.

"…Is 'fireman' a fun game?"

"Oh, I assure you, it's _not_."

Leaving it at that, he rattled out a few more white pills into his palm and shoved it towards the boy. Piko in return, obediently took the pills and popped them into his mouth just as he had done before.

'_What the hell is this stuff anyways?'_ Gakupo wondered as he watched the child choke down the second round of drugs, realizing that he was simply giving the child his medication automatically. All he knew was that the kid was sick, and that he was supposed to make him take the pills that Haku leaves behind for him whenever she leaves.

Now that he thought about it, never actually took the time to actually _see_ exactly what he was giving the boy. Honestly, he wasn't even sure what the boy _had_. He knew for sure that Piko had some of those funky food allergies, but that was about the extent of his knowledge. Haku had probably told him more information at one point, but he wasn't really one to listen to people talk. Ever.

Looking at one of the cylindrical bottles in his hand, Gakupo took the time to examine the label.

And he hadn't been more confused in his life.

All the fancy medical drug names written on the label had him completely stumped. Looking at the other bottle in his hand, he saw nothing but the same medical jargon as the other bottle. Same went for the four other bottles that came after it, as well as the little information packets they came with. The labels were a never-ending sea of confusing things like 'diphenhydramine' and 'naproxen'. He wasn't a damn doctor! To be honest, the only thing he recognized was the Tylenol logo of one bottle, the word 'penicillin', and 'Drepanocytosis'.

Whoa whoa whoa, **WAIT**.

What?

Anemia?

He had no idea what all that fancy shit that came before meant, but he was at least intelligent to recognize what 'drepanocytosis' was! After all, those high school biology classes weren't a total waste of time. In his four painful years of high school science, he had at least retained fragments of all the sciencey stuff he learned! He at least remembered that 'drepanocytosis' was the fancy doctor word for sickle-cell anemia.

And he sure as hell knew what anemia was. It was that… that blood thing… that makes it so that you can't play hockey well…

Okay, well maybe he wasn't _exactly_ sure what anemia was, but he knew that it was one of those blood diseases or whatever. But when did Piko have a disease? The kid hadn't shown any real signs of a disease since he had arrived…

Looking back at Piko, he watched as the child began chanting one of those nonsensical baby songs and touching the tips of his rain boot clad feet in some strange dance. _'It's probably because of the pills…'_ he realized, still watching the strange performance before him. Because of the medication, it probably was the only thing keeping Piko running at top condition without showing symptoms.

Although, when he thought about it, Piko really did fall asleep a lot wherever he felt like. Like on the couch. And the floor. And in the bathtub (which was a **major** problem). And on the front steps on the porch outside (which was also kinda a problem, seeing that it was getting kinda chilly outside lately).

Damn. He was **not **doing a good job of watching the boy. Those last two places are dangerous as hell! Probably somebody like Nanny McPhee, or Mary Poppins could've done a better job. For one, they were _actual _nannies. And they were damn _magical _nannies. But then again, Gakupo always carried a gun in his pocket, so that may be something that can trump a magical nanny. At least, in a five-year-old boy's mind. And that's what matters , isn't it?

"Mister Gaku! Can we **GO** now?" Piko cried, stomping out the door and nearly tripping flat on his face.

"Shut up. I'm coming!" he growled, placing the medications back in their respective spots. "If you trip and bust a tooth, I'm not taking you to the dentist. In fact, I'll tell the Tooth Fairy to donate the rest of your teeth to the homeless."

"NO! DON'T DO THAT!"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Gakupo looked down mildly at his little charge, lips turning upwards into a tiny, reluctant smile. The little boy pranced around him with a charming grin, stomping and kicking up piles of dead leaves as they went along. Flouncing around, he stopped every few moments to pick up one of the dead leaves strewn about and hold it up to the elder's face for him to admire.

"Mister Gaku! I like this one!" Piko cried, a few yards away up the sidewalk. He dangled a red leaf by the stem carefully, examining the little red veins running through it. "Isn't it pretty?"

"Yeah, whatever kid." Gakupo said, walking by dismissively. Piko trotted after, still smiling happily. "I'm gonna call it 'Reddy', 'cause it's so red!"

"How original of you." Gakupo stated boredly.

"…Hey, Mister Gaku, where are we going?" Piko asked again, still playing with his little red leaf.

"To get food."

"But we have food!"

"That food is gross. I want real food." Gakupo replied stubbornly.

"Oh... does that mean there's such thing as fake food?" the little boy asked, looking up curiously.

"Well... in a sense, there is. Y'know, things like processed cheese and TV dinners. Those are fake. It's just shit made in factories." Gakupo told him. He yanked lightly on the boy's arm when he saw that he was falling behind slightly.

"But I thought cheese come from cows, not factories!"

"It's complicated." Gakupo simply replied, letting the conversation end there. He was in no mood to explain the process of manufactured food to a five-year old. "Let's just say it comes from both."

"Oh. Okay. So, robot factory cows make cheese?"

Gakupo rolled his eyes, but couldn't help but to let the tiniest slip of a smile decorate his lips. That kid really didn't know anything about _anything_. "That's a little… inaccurate, but hell, why not. Robot cows make fake cheese. Whatever."

The little giggle beside him told him that the boy had accepted his answer.

Piko's little fingers soon wrapped around Gakupo's larger ones as they walked along, holding them tight. The two lapsed into silence, Piko humming lightly to himself and still playing with 'Reddy', his little leaf. It really was so pretty and red. Missus Megurine would've absolutely loved it if she was there...

Meanwhile, Gakupo was more concentrated on what to eat and where to find it at the moment. There were endless possibilities! He could go to the nearest supermarket and get some food, but he'd have to prepare it himself. He was too lazy to bother with that. There was also the option of going to a cafe or a bakery, and getting an enormous, sugar-packed cake, but he wasn't too keen on getting type 2 diabetes just yet. He could go to McDonalds, but that was practically all the way across town. Too far to walk, especially with a child.

Ah, what to get? Where to go?

The little hand gripped his tighter. "Mister Gakky, can we get some Oreos? I like those, 'cause Haku-nii lets me eat 'em. She says that they're safe for my tummy!"

For the first time in weeks, Gakupo knew that the little boy had said something brilliant.

Oreos! That's it! Milk's favorite cookie! Sure, it wasn't **FOOD** food, but maybe if he ate enough of them, he'd be satisfied. Y'know, like a pig.

"Kid," he said, kneeling down to Piko's level, "You're a fuckin' GENIUS!"

"Really?" Piko said, laughing at the man's funny face. "'Cause Nero calls me mean names, like numbnuts, or spacehead. I dunno what that means, but I think it means dumb... 'numbnuts' rhymes 6"

"Well, Nero needs his ass kicked once in a while, so forget him. Let's get some Oreos!"

"YEAH! S'MORES!"

"No no, we're getting Oreos."

"Oh yeah... OREOS!"

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Ever since he was a little child, Kamui Gakupo had a dream. A dream that almost every child had since birth. Yet many called it foolish, and seldom few had faith in it. They said he was crazy, ridiculous; a dreamer... But the little boy named Gakupo knew different. He had faith in that dream. He fantasized about it every day, non-stop. Now, at the adult stage of his life, he knew that his dream was tangible. It was right there, just for the taking. And now, he could finally see his dream come true.

What was the dream of this faithful little lad? A simple one, of course.

The opportunity to sit on the kitchen counter, butt-naked, eating an entire pack of Oreos with a gallon of milk on the side.

Yes. Simply, strip down to nothing, place your bare bottom on a newly-cleaned kitchen counter, and eat an entire pack of Oreos, while chugging a gallon of milk simultaneously. Nobody to share it with, and nobody to criticize you for it. Just be a fatass for one day, and eat till you either puke, or your stomach explodes and you die of sepsis.

Now that little boy, now a grown man, can finally live that beautiful dream. The fabulous dream that has haunted him since childhood.

With a few exceptions, of course.

For one, he wasn't sure if Ms. Yowane would appreciate his bare ass dragging on her clean kitchen counters, nor would Piko fully appreciate the full view of his 'no-no parts' on display. Sure, the kid might be curious and ask a few questions, but that would just lead to awkward questions that he had no intention to ever answer...

But that's beside the point.

Right now, afternoon found the duo standing in the cookie aisle of a supermarket, staring at more than a billion different brands of cookies.

"Is this Oreos? It kinda looks funny, so I dunno..." Piko asked, holding up a pack of vanilla wafers. "Look! It has a smiley-elf face on it! This one has a smiley-elf face too!" He began digging through rows of wafers, staring at the plastic wrapping happily.

Gakupo fought to contain his sigh. "Hey kid, what letter does 'Oreo' start with?"

The chubby face contorted into a concentrated frown. "Uh... 'Oreo' is... Oooo-reee-oooohs...uh"

"It's **OOO**-REEE-OOO, right?" Gakupo asked, still preoccupied with searching for the sacred cookies. "So, what letter is in Oreo?"

"'O'!" Piko said happily. "'Oreo' starts with 'O'! It says its own name!"

"Uh-huh." He replied, still searching the shelves. "Good boy, or whatever…"

Piko still giggled with childish delight at the praise, prancing circles around his 'bodyguard' in the cookie aisle, packs of vanilla wafers still in hand.

"Now, spell 'cookie'." He demanded, digging through packs of frosted icing crap, still searching for the precious Oreos.

Piko stopped his annoying prancing, plunking himself on the floor like an arthritic old man behind Gakupo, and began squeezing another pack of wafers he had pulled off the shelves. "'Cookie'? Cooo… does it start with 'K'?"

"Nope. Close, but try again."

The most adorable pout formed on the child's round face. "But I dunno what else, Mister Gaku! Spelling is hard! All I know is how to spell 'rat', 'mat', 'hat', and 'waitress'!"

Gakupo couldn't help but to raise an eyebrow at the last word. When did he pick up on spelling 'waitress'? Turning to face the boy, Gakupo took him by the arm and hauled him off the floor. "Think about the word 'cat'. Starts with a 'C', yet sounds like a 'K'. It's one of those hard 'C's. And also, don't sit on the ground. You can catch nasty shit down there, like ringworm or salmonella."

"Okay! So… C-O-O… C?"

"The hard 'C' doesn't apply to every letter."

"C-O-O-K-Y!"

"…No. Close-ish though." Gakupo sighed, eyes scanning lazily over a box of jelly-rolls. "It's actually an 'ie' ending, but it just sounds like a 'Y'. I guess they don't teach you guys much vocab in kindergarten, huh? Your Megurine-teacher bitch should get on that sometime."

Piko smiled at the use of the no-no word, before moving beside the elder man to play with some more of the store's products. "I like playing 'spelling', Mister Gaku!" he chirped, idly tossing a box of store-brand cookies to the side. Gakupo regarded this with the faintest of smiles, before going back to his own cookie expedition.

WHAT THE SHIT! Why was it so hard to find a simple pack of Oreos? There were like, twelve million different brands of cookies in the aisle, yet Gakupo _still _couldn't find the one he so desperately wanted. There were brilliantly coloured red-and-blue packs of Chips Ahoy, tasteless butter cookies, stacks and stacks of Moonpies, red packaged Nutter Butters, the half a billion different types of Pepperidge Farm cookies, and even those black-and-white cookies that nobody ever really remembers the name of, but no Oreos. He dug through the entire aisle like a madman, sending packages of cookies flying everywhere.

Piko, totally forgetting the point why they were even there anymore, watched him boredly before grabbing a pack of discarded cookies and began playing 'Let's Pretend The Keebler Elves Are Kissing Because They're On A Date'.

"I don't see any!" he cried, throwing his hands in the air exasperatedly.

"Maybe all the Oreo maker-people are on vacation." Piko said dismissively, smushing the two bags together harder. The Keebler elves were now in the middle of an intense make-out session, and it was obvious that the cookies inside were suffering loudly. Didn't matter, because the Keebler elves just loved each other **THAT**much!

Sometimes Gakupo had to wonder exactly _what _kind of child he was ordered to supervise.

"The Oreo people can't go on vacation." He sighed, giving up the search to stare at the little boy. "There are, like, a billion factory workers at some Oreo factory somewhere. They can't just 'go on vacation' like that."

"…Mister Gaku, what's a 'douche'? I heard it from some old guy on the TV before."

"…You need to stop watching TV. I keep telling you, it's _evil_."

"But sometimes you say it too!" Piko pointed out, looking up from his odd game.

"Yeah, well… never listen to a word I say. Practically everything I say is wrong. You should know that by now."

This mindless exchange of words continued on for about a good ten minutes, before it was finally interrupted by a more-than-snarky voice.

"Excuse me, but you need help or somethin'?"

Never before had Gakupo heard a more blessed distraction. "YES! YES WE DO!" he yelled, earning some peeved stares. Good gods, heaven knew he needed real help! This was quickly turning out like that last horrible episode in Home Depot.

Looking up into the eyes of his savior, he was slightly off-put by the fact that it came in the form of a short, obnoxiously dressed teenage girl.

Hands on hips and weight balanced on one leg, she raised a blonde eyebrow and smacked her fluorescent gum expectantly rolling her eyes at the freakish man who seemed to be strangling a child. Well, he probably wasn't, but that's not how it looked from where she was standing. With an expertise flip of her unnecessarily long, blonde ponytail and the straightening of her employee uniform, her face sank into a deep-set frown. "Well? Whaddya' want help with? You wastin' my time."

Even though it was clear that this girl was a straight up snob, Gakupo felt grateful for her presence anyways. "I…uh… Do you know exactly where the Oreos are?" He could feel his eyebrow twitch a bit when the girl opted to stare fixedly at her gold-coloured nail polish and check her text messages instead of actually assist the two. "I _said_, do you know where the Oreos are?"

The girl gave a horrible scowl before opening her bitchy mouth once more. "You blind or retarded or somethin'? They're right behind ya'." She pointed to the shelf just inches away from where they stood.

Well. It's been a long time since Kamui Gakupo actually felt purely and utterly stupid.

But being the trooper that he was, he managed to put on one of those stupid 'oh geez, I'm so embarrassed' faces and smile at her. "Oh. Thanks then, you …wonderful …sweetheart…" It was obvious to all three of them that he forced those compliments out of his tightly gritted teeth.

The teen's gold eyes narrowed, and she examined the male intensely. The scowl stayed in place, but the eyes lit up in some strange sort of recognition. Watching as he released Piko, who ran over to the shelf like an excitable midget, she glowered harshly at the older man before fiddling with her toxic-yellow cell phone once more.

To anyone with a brain, that was extremely suspicious. Or at least rude.

Treating her with a glare of his own, Gakupo couldn't help but to scoff in annoyance. Damn teenagers. Especially the girl ones. They grow a pair of boobs, put on some makeup, and all of a sudden they think they're hot shit.

"Hey. You watchin' that kid or what?" she asked dully, pointing the gold-painted fingernail past him.

They both looked down the aisle, where Piko was happily poking and prodding at raw beef in the meat section and harassing old ladies at the same time with the never-ending questions of "What's this? What's that? Is that _really _a cow's tummy insides?"

Huh. Raw meat doesn't seem like a sanitary thing to play with.

"So sue me." Gakupo hissed, focusing back on the girl with the golden fingernails. "You're here to help me shop. Not lecture me like my dead grandmother." He noticed that the tacky paper nametag dangled precariously on her uniform, reading '_Hello, my name is: Neru Akita' _in blue sharpie.

The blonde raised an equally blonde eyebrow, and flipped her still-unnecessarily long side-ponytail once more. He couldn't help but want to rip it out by the roots. "I ain't your granny. I'm just sayin', you may wanna' watch that kid a bit better. 'Cause, y'know… he's like, not even there anymore. Like a magician or somethin'." She lazily lifted a gold fingernail and pointed to the now empty space in the meat aisle.

Ah shit.

Again.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Hello!"

Piko frowned slightly, focused more on the Oreos than the man next to them.

"Hello there!" came the voice, even louder than it was before. The expression on Piko's face turned sour as he was forced to tear his eyes away from the chocolate treats.

"Hello, Mister." he said, looking up at the man towering beside him. He had the funniest look on his face, like he was real happy that he won a prize or something. The smiling man looked happy at being acknowledged by him, seeing as his smile grew wider.

But Piko didn't really care. The man was creepy looking, and he wanted more Oreos. Standing on his tippy-toes, he reached up towards the free sample stand to grab a cookie, but whined lowly when he came up a few inches short. How was he gonna get more Oreos? The lady behind the stand was nice enough to hand him some Oreos from before, but the lady wasn't there anymore! It was just him and the funny-smiling man, who just kept staring.

Wait. Was funny-smiling man laughing at him or something?

Turning on the man with a glare that would've made Mister Gaku proud, Piko stood boldly in front of the odd man. "Hey Mister! Stop laughing at me! S'not funny!"

The man smiled that funny, twitchy smile once more. Moving uncomfortably close to the boy, the smile got even more twitchier. "I wasn't laughing, little boy. I just saw that you're having a few problems getting those cookies up there." He said, motioning to the stand. He plucked a cookie or two from the serving plate, and popped them into his mouth. "Would you like to have some of them?"

Piko's mood changed almost immediately, and he began bouncing in place. "Uh-huh! Yes please! Except, gimme a lot, 'cause I wanna give Mister Gaku some too! He really likes Oreos a lot!" he exclaimed, reaching out for the cookies that were now in the man's hand.

The man let out a chuckle as he handed a cookie over to the boy. "Oh? Mister Gaku? Is that who's with you right now?"

"Uh-huh!" the boy replied, stuffing his face with the crème-filled chocolate. "I like him a lot! He's my favorite grown-up boy person!"

The smiley, yellow-haired man moved closer, bending down and smiling even more. Piko surmised that the funny man must like smiling a lot. "Mister Gaku, you say? He seems like a nice man, indeed…" He paused to hand Piko another Oreo when he finished the first. "Tell me more about him and yourself."

Piko nibbled on the edge of an Oreo thoughtfully. "Well, Mister Gaku is really tall and he's a grown-up. I dunno how old he is, but I know he's grow-up age. He likes to blow air out his nose a lot. He says he's 'sighing', but it sounds like what a doggie does when it sneezes. And he has girl hair, and knows a lot of words that he said I can't say myself. I dunno what they mean, but he likes using them a lot. He likes to use them when he talks to Missus Megurine also."

"Ms. Megurine?"

"Uh-huh! She's my teacher. She's real nice too. Her hair is pretty girl hair also. S'more Oreos, please!" Another black and white cookie was placed into the small, outstretched palm. The boy meticulously split the cookie in half, discarding one part for the other side covered in the crème filling.

"And what about you?" Smiley man said, leaning closer.

Piko brightened even more (if that was even possible anymore). If there was one thing he loved talking about more than his friends, the Power Rangers, cats, Tinker Bell, and pancakes, it was himself. "Well, my name is Piko! It's real cool, because I can spell all the letters in 'Piko'! Not the rest of my name real good though, 'cause it's real long."

"Well, it's nice to meet you, Piko!" Smiley man said, taking a bite out of an Oreo himself. "But, is that all? You can't tell me other things about yourself?"

"Other things like what?" he asked, cocking his head to the side confusedly.

"Well, things like, where you live, or who you live with! Do you live on the moon? Do you live underwater, like a little fish?" Smiley man asked, handing Piko another Oreo to keep him interested in the conversation.

Piko giggled at the joke. He quickly decided that he liked Smiley man a whole lot. He told silly jokes and gave him Oreos whenever he asked! Smiley man didn't seem like a bad man at all! Yes, he did like to ask a lot of funny questions, but he didn't see anything wrong with that. Missus Megurine always said that asking questions was a sure way to get smarter. Smiley man was only trying to get smarter, right?

"I live in a house on my street! It's a house that has a white color, and a little bit of blue! It's real special too, because Haku-nii painted our door yellow! Nobody else has a yellow door on our street except us!"

Smiley man's smile suddenly turned into something a little less smiley. "Uh-oh. Little Piko, it seems as though we've finally run out of cookies!"

"What? For real?" Piko was immediately crestfallen. He went and ate all the Oreos, just like the greedy little piggy in that story Missus Megurine liked to read! Now there was no more. If there were no more Oreos, how could he take any back to share with Mister Gaku?

But he didn't have to worry for long. Seeing the anxious expression on the boy's face, Smiley man's smile got wider and noticeably… toothier. "You probably want more cookies, right?"

Piko nodded eagerly, happy to get the chance to rectify his mistake. "You got some more for me?"

"Of course I do! I have a whole bunch of Oreos out back! Maybe if you come with me, I can give you some to take back to your Gakupo."

"You mean, Mister Gaku?"

"Oh yes, I did. My apologies."

Piko's internal alarm went off almost at once. Haku-nii did say that whenever you went into supermarkets or playgrounds, bad men would always ask you to help find their lost puppies or say funny things like, 'Your mommy told me to pick you up from school today.' and 'Come to my van, because I have a big lollipop for you!' . But Smiley man wasn't asking for puppy help, and Piko knew that his mommy was somewhere in the sky right now. At least, that's what Haku-nii said. He assumed that meant that his mommy was probably an astronaut or something then.

But was it okay to go with Smiley man, right? He wasn't offering lollipops, just Oreos. Since Oreos weren't lollipops, that meant that it was okay to go with Smiley man! After all, Smiley man seemed harmless. Actually, Piko was sure that Smiley man was a witch or something. After all, he knew Mister Gaku's real name, even though he never told him!

So, beaming happily, the little pale hand reached up and grasped the blonde man's trustingly. This man was gonna get him more Oreos!

"Hey, Mister Smiley man, what's your name?"

"It's not 'Mister Smiley', I'll tell you that! My name is Sora. Suiga Sora."

* * *

><p><strong>That whole fantasy of being ass nekkid eating Oreos? I honestly have it. I swear, it's EXACTLY what I'm gonna do when I graduate to college and gtfo of this place. The FIRST thing I'll do in my dormapartment/whatever.  
><strong>

**So how many of y'all realize that some shit's about to go down? Hopefully you guys have a main idea of who at least _some _of the people in the beginning are, (BOO TO YOU IF YOU DON'T! GUESS IF YOU HAVE TO!) so yeah. Also, Neru has been introduced. No worries, she has a more fitting role than just a supermarket employee.**

**Sora has also been introduced. You already should know which organization he belongs to. Don't wanna say, because even though it's obvious, I feel like I'm giving something away. I'll tell you this much; He's one of the people in the beginning. He's the one that's like "They got the boy first, blah blah blah". I don't remember much of what I typed, so that's like, the gist of what he says in the first half. Yeah...  
><strong>

**And to answer anonymous user, '**Lucy**', I dunno why I'm not fond of Kiyoteru much. He just doesn't appeal to me. Half may be because how I'm writing the dude. Am I a shallow idiot or what? XD**


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